Louise Thompson has spoken candidly about grieving the fact that she will never carry another child, as she detailed her 'wonderfully, painfully different' £50,000 surrogacy journey. The television personality and her personal trainer partner Ryan Libbey, both aged 35, revealed their plans to expand their family earlier this year, following Louise's near-death experience while giving birth to their son Leo in 2021 after an emergency caesarean.
After Leo's birth, Louise suffered from PTSD and postnatal anxiety due to her traumatic experience. She has since been diagnosed with lupus and Asherman's syndrome, experienced a second haemorrhage, and has had a stoma bag fitted. The couple are now embarking on a £50,000 IVF journey and plan to use a surrogate to add to their family.
In a recent update, Louise shared her conflicting emotions: 'Before I get into it, I want to say something that might sound a little contradictory: I am genuinely, wholeheartedly happy for every person who has announced a pregnancy on my feed lately - but at the same time, it has also been quietly eroding away at my heart.' She emphasised that this is not a plea for pity but rather a public service announcement for anyone who has experienced complicated feelings while witnessing others achieve something they may never experience themselves.
The Complexity of Joy and Grief
Louise reflected on the coexistence of joy and grief, stating, 'You are not alone, and you are not a bad person for feeling two things at once. Joy and grief, love and longing, pride and pain… These things are not really opposites; instead, they are neighbours, and sometimes they sit so closely together you can barely tell where one ends and the other begins.' She recalled clinging to small moments of joy during her trauma, noting that even a 5% feeling of joy in a day was a victory.
She admitted that she had taken 'being normal for granted' and still feels 'a little broken inside.' Louise explained that she has not had a period in four years since having her son, and while she still has a uterus, any blood exits through the 'back door,' leading her to question whether medical procedures during her major bleed connected the wrong vessels.
Shifting Perspectives on Pregnancy
Louise acknowledged that something has shifted as friends begin welcoming their second and third children, prompting her to grieve the loss of never experiencing pregnancy again. She initially immersed herself in learning about surrogacy, viewing it as her only option, but recently began recalling the positive aspects of her own pregnancy. 'For years, my brain only kept the difficult memories on the surface. The scary ones. It turns out that’s not a character flaw; it’s just how our brains work,' she said.
She described the grief of losing specific experiences: 'I will never feel a baby kick inside me. I will never feel that particular heaviness where you can’t breathe properly or lie on your side… the kind that makes you slow down and order maternity leggings and lie on sprawl on the sofa with complete permission.' She also noted that she will never see a heartbeat flickering on a screen inside her own body.
The Financial and Emotional Cost
Louise revealed the staggering cost of IVF, calling it 'irritating' that she cannot take the traditional route. 'Surrogacy is a miracle. I genuinely believe that. It is also likely to cost me over £50,000+ with all the rounds of IVF included, which is its own kind of grief, and it means that my path to motherhood will always be wonderfully, painfully different.' She expressed frustration that she cannot leave things to fate, as she is a control freak but never intended to have such control over fertility.
She concluded by addressing others who may be experiencing similar feelings: 'Grief doesn’t always look like weeping. Sometimes it looks like pausing on someone else’s joy and noticing the shape of what’s missing in your own life. That is allowed. It doesn’t make you jealous, bitter, or small. It makes you human.'
IVF Update
Earlier this month, Louise shared an update on Instagram, revealing that she and Ryan have one embryo 'in the freezer' after undergoing IVF. She posted a picture of flowers from Ryan with the message: 'You did it. One in the freezer for safe keeps x.' In her caption, she detailed the emotional journey: 'Inside that sentence is a universe… those words hold years of planning, weeks of needles, scans, waiting rooms, clenched jaws, forced optimism, and tears, lots of tears.' She noted that from their first cycle, they went from seeing over 20 follicles to retrieving 8 eggs, and ultimately ended up with just one embryo. 'Not the perfect outcome. But a chapter where something worked. And that feels like an ok place to start,' she said.
