Composer Sally Beamish, preparing to celebrate her 70th birthday with a concert, opens up about her autism diagnosis and how it helped her make sense of her life and music. In a revealing interview, she describes her destructive mindset that turned joyful memories into sources of regret, and how a pandemic-led journey of self-discovery led to a formal diagnosis of autism.
A Life-Changing Holiday and a Missed Recording
In 2023, Beamish embarked on a holiday of a lifetime in Australia after performing at a chamber music festival. Despite initial euphoria, she was devastated to realize she had not arranged for the concerts to be recorded. 'The more wonderful the event, the more likely I am to find regrets to attach to it,' she says. This pattern of thinking, she explains, had plagued her for years, ruining joyful memories with obsessive regrets.
Pandemic Reflections and Seeking Help
The pandemic forced Beamish to confront her sleepless nights and recurring miseries, including a missed audition poster for The Sound of Music in 2005 that she felt had let down her daughter. She eventually sought cognitive behavioural therapy, where it was suggested she might be on the autistic spectrum. Initially shocked, she recognized traits such as discomfort with eye contact, difficulty recognizing faces, and extreme sensitivity to noise.
Music as a Special Interest and Refuge
Beamish reflects that her mother, a violinist, likely had the same condition. Music became her autistic 'special interest,' helping her process emotions and right wrongs. After a miscarriage in 1994, she composed Gala Water for her then-husband. The theft of her viola in 1989 prompted her to focus on composing, a move that led to a successful career in Scotland.
Turning Regret into an Album
The failure to record the Australian concerts led Beamish to contact pianist Joseph Havlat, resulting in a new album, House of Wonder. She commissioned pieces from her children and friends, creating a work that reflects her life and relationships. The album launch coincides with her 70th birthday concert at St Martin-in-the-Fields, featuring works like Seavaigers and the UK premiere of her basset clarinet concerto Izakhi.
Diagnosis as a Blessing
Beamish calls her formal autism diagnosis a blessing, as it helps her and her family understand her obsessive anxiety. 'I can forgive my mother. I can be easier on myself,' she says. Ironically, after planning the album, she discovered a recording of the Australian concerts had been made after all. The album House of Wonder is released on 12 June on Delphian Records.
For support with mental health, contact Mind (UK) at 0300 123 3393, Childline at 0800 1111, or in the US, Mental Health America at 988. In Australia, Beyond Blue is available at 1300 22 4636.
