Max Rushden, a journalist and amateur footballer, recently woke up with a searing pain under his left ribs. After ruling out a heart attack, he turned to Google and confidently diagnosed himself with a ruptured spleen. The pain had started after his first pre-season outing for the Melbourne University Bohemians, the team he supported as a boy. In Australia, the football season runs from April to September, and Rushden had not registered picking up a knock, but at his age, he could split an internal organ just by bending down.
A Humbling Pre-Season Defeat
The Bohemians were thrashed 4-0 by the Brunswick Zebras, and Rushden believed he had collided with an opponent, causing irreparable damage. He joked that while his physics GCSE taught him momentum equals mass times velocity, he provided the mass, as velocity had not been part of his game since 1987. The following two weeks were painful, with his children digging their feet into his ribs, presumably causing his spleen to ooze. Finally, an osteopath for the Australian Olympic taekwondo team diagnosed bruised ribs. Rushden continued to favour the spleen theory publicly, but at home, there was little sympathy.
Why Keep Playing?
Rushden questions why he puts his body on the line again at 47. He acknowledges that writing about an aging footballer is not clickbait, but playing the game trumps watching it. He describes the ritual of preparing for another season, including telling his teammates not to play out from the back, as they conceded 30 seconds into the season last year. In a pre-season game against younger opponents, one teenager complained of being kicked in the belly, but Rushden pointed out that he had no belly and should look at his older, wider opponents.
Despite a late defeat, Rushden hit a vicious dipping volley that was saved, drawing oohs from the crowd. However, replays showed an ambling grey-haired man striking the ball with the power of an anaemic kitten. His hip range of movement is limited, but his cholesterol is down. He now works to secure a starting spot by relentlessly WhatsApp-ing formations to the manager, suggesting himself in a holding role. New recruits who can control and pass the ball threaten his position.
Rushden’s real friends in the UK have banned him from forwarding motivational Instagram reels, but he knows that retirement is not an option until it is the only option. On Sunday, at 11am, Football Victoria Metro South-East Division Five begins. He goes again, again.
