In a heartfelt plea to The Independent's agony aunt, Victoria Richards, a reader in their late forties shares a distressing family dilemma centred on a terminally ill mother and an abusive father who is blocking access. The column, which offers counsel on love, work, family, and relationships, highlights the complex emotional turmoil faced by those navigating fraught parental dynamics during end-of-life care.
A Legacy of Abuse and Neglect
The reader, signing off as "Guilty Child," recounts a childhood marred by neglect and violence. Their mother, now dying rapidly from a dreaded terminal illness, was neglectful in their youth, leading to social services interventions. However, the reader has since forgiven her, working through past issues. In stark contrast, the father remains a source of ongoing harm, having been physically and mentally abusive towards both the mother and the reader during childhood. The mother historically protected the father, even lying to authorities, which compounded the trauma.
The Current Crisis: Gatekeeping and Isolation
With the mother now unable to speak or type due to her illness, the father has taken control, acting as a gatekeeper who ignores requests for visits. The reader expresses profound guilt and a sense of failure, fearing they are letting their mother down. However, they emphasise the danger of facing the father alone, noting he becomes verbally aggressive without witnesses. This situation is exacerbated by a lack of understanding from family members, who judge the reader for not visiting, and friends who dismissively remark on still having parents.
The reader feels torn, unsure of their mother's true feelings, as she only offers placating responses. They have EMDR therapy booked in 18 months but worry it will come too late, given their mother's prognosis. The core question posed is how to maintain a relationship with a dying mother while avoiding a harmful father.
Victoria Richards' Compassionate Response
Victoria Richards begins by absolving the reader of guilt, asserting that these feelings are misplaced and belong instead to the abusive father. She reframes the issue: it is not a matter of dislike or choice but of safety. Seeing the father is dangerous, as it risks re-traumatising the reader and perpetuates abuse. Richards cites research indicating that verbal abuse in childhood can be as damaging as physical abuse, affecting mental health into adulthood, with combined abuse increasing risks further.
Recognising Ongoing Abuse
Richards points out that the father's current actions—verbal aggression when the reader is alone and denying access to the mother—constitute continued abuse. This gatekeeping is particularly cruel given the mother's critical condition. She advises that if there are concerns about the mother's safety at home, the reader should contact authorities, such as calling 101 or reporting domestic abuse online.
Describing the father as troubled, cruel, and potentially narcissistic, Richards acknowledges the difficulty of explaining non-physical abuse, like coercive control, to outsiders. This often leads to feelings of frustration and disbelief, isolating victims further.
Practical Steps for Safety and Support
Richards recommends against visiting alone, stressing it is unsafe physically, emotionally, and psychologically. Instead, she suggests involving a trusted friend or objective supporter who can act as a witness, helping to validate the reader's experiences and reduce self-blame. This companion can serve as a boundary against the father's abuse.
Taking Action and Seeking Help
Encouraging proactive measures, Richards advises the reader to share their childhood truth with this trusted person, then potentially visit the home spontaneously with support, disrupting the father's gatekeeping. She emphasises that abusers thrive on secrecy and fear, and taking this step can reclaim some power.
Additionally, Richards urges the reader not to wait for EMDR therapy but to seek immediate counselling through their GP or contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline for free, round-the-clock support. She recognises the compounded grief of losing a parent while dealing with lifelong abuse, offering heartfelt sympathy.
The column concludes by inviting others to submit their problems anonymously to Dear Vix for advice on personal and professional challenges.
