Lou Beckett, the wife of popular comedian Rob Beckett, has opened up about why many exhausted mothers frequently feel too 'touched out' to desire sexual intimacy with their partners. In a candid discussion, she directly advises men to stop expecting physical closeness during these challenging phases of parenthood.
The Reality of Being 'Touched Out'
Lou, who shares two daughters aged 8 and 10 with Rob, made these revealing comments during an appearance on the Daily Mail's Life of Bryony podcast. She was promoting her newly released book, Lessons From A Default Parent, which delves into the substantial difficulties of managing family life while her comedian husband is away working for approximately 190 nights each year.
The book thoroughly explores the concept of being 'touched out' – a state where mothers become so overstimulated by constant physical contact from their children that they cannot contemplate intimacy with their partners. Speaking to columnist Bryony Gordon, Lou provided practical guidance on navigating this difficult period without fostering resentment on either side of the relationship.
Personal Experiences and Emotional Labour
'I reach a point in the day where I simply do not want anything else touching me,' Lou explained frankly. 'It might sound harsh, but I just become overstimulated and completely touched out. I genuinely have nothing left to give at those moments.'
She offered reassurance to parents currently experiencing this, stating, 'For anybody in the throes of it, please know it does improve. The feeling gradually changes as children grow older and become less physically demanding. Babies and toddlers are incredibly physical – you absolutely need proper resetting time.'
Lou emphasized the immense emotional labour involved in daily parenting, saying, 'You expend tremendous energy managing children's feelings, emotions, and constant needs. If, for a temporary period, you lack the capacity to manage your partner's emotional and physical needs – they are adults, they need to understand and cope.'
Communication and Realistic Expectations
'Do not expect your partner to constantly pander to you,' she advised. 'Sometimes, you genuinely have nothing left to give, and that is perfectly acceptable. This phase does not last forever. The key is to communicate openly throughout it.'
She added firmly, 'You do not owe anyone anything – if you are touched out, you are simply touched out.'
The 'Default Parent' Concept and Imbalances
In her book, Lou introduces and examines the term 'default parent' to describe the individual who handles the overwhelming majority of childcare and invisible labour. This includes everything from remembering PE kits and managing school administration to coordinating daily schedules.
She explained that while this situation often develops naturally due to work demands and societal patterns, it creates significant imbalances that require conscious addressing. 'The book contains numerous personal experiences, but I also incorporated statistics to substantiate my observations,' Lou noted.
Documented Gaps in Sleep and Leisure
'For instance, if you feel you are getting less sleep than your husband – you likely are,' she stated. 'The Harvard Sleep Institute released compelling figures proving there exists a measurable sleep gap between mothers and fathers.'
'There is also a substantial leisure gap. When mothers finally have leisure time, they are often still worrying about the children. They continue performing that internal mental labour. Consequently, your free time is not nearly as leisurely or restorative as your partner's.'
She highlighted, 'The gap amounts to about half an hour daily, which might sound minimal but accumulates significantly over a full year.'
Improved Understanding and Support
Lou revealed that the writing process enhanced her own relationship, saying, 'I found I could communicate much more effectively with Rob after writing the book. I believe he gained a deeper understanding of many things I was expressing.'
Rob Beckett, who co-hosts the highly successful Parenting Hell podcast with fellow comedian Josh Widdicombe, frequently references Lou as the 'mostly silent partner' on the show. He has previously announced stepping back from touring to support Lou's book launch and provide her space to pursue her writing career.
Lessons From A Default Parent by Lou Beckett is available now. The full interview can be accessed by searching for The Life of Bryony podcast on all major podcast platforms.
