Male Friendship Defies Norms: Expressing Love Between Mates
This Valentine's Day, a groundbreaking study from the mental health charity Calm reveals that more than half of men have never uttered the words 'I love you' to a friend. Tom Stroud, however, is shattering this taboo by openly discussing his profound and 'beautiful friendship' with his business partner, Dan Shrigley. Their story offers a powerful counter-narrative to traditional male bonding, highlighting the importance of emotional openness and vulnerability in modern relationships.
A Connection Forged Through Shared Values
Tom Stroud and Dan Shrigley first connected just over a year ago, after Tom appeared on the reality show Love Is Blind: UK. Dan was moved by a clip where Tom spoke proudly about being raised by a single mother and embracing qualities often labelled as feminine, such as empathy and emotional intelligence. Inspired, Dan reached out via a direct message on Instagram, leading to an initial meeting that felt unconventional due to societal stigmas around male friendships. Despite an age gap—Tom is 40 and Dan is 28—they bonded instantly over shared passions for male mental health and challenging toxic masculinity in media portrayals.
Their first conversation lasted an entire afternoon, delving into why men are often depicted either through negative strength or aggression. Both felt they represented a different kind of strength, rooted in respect, authenticity, and personal growth. This rare alignment of values fostered a quick and deep connection, setting the foundation for a transformative friendship.
The Evolution of a Beautiful Bond
Over the past year, Tom and Dan have cultivated what Tom describes as a 'really beautiful friendship.' Unlike the superficial social circles of Tom's youth, which revolved around career success, drinking, and dating, Dan brings a level of sensitivity, depth, and empathy that has profoundly impacted Tom. Dan often refers to Tom as his older brother, a term that evokes strong emotions for Tom, who historically struggled to build trusting relationships with men due to an absent father and lack of male role models.
Their friendship reached a poignant milestone a couple of months ago when they exchanged 'I love you' for the first time. This moment occurred during a reflection on their shared achievements, and it felt 'really lovely,' breaking a significant emotional barrier. This act aligns with a new campaign by Calm and Beavertown, launched this Valentine's Day, which encourages British men to express love to their male friends, addressing the statistic that 62% of men have never done so.
From Personal Bond to Community Movement
Recognising the scarcity of spaces for men to forge genuine connections, Tom and Dan took action. They organised a walk advertised on social media, attracting about 10 men who were open to discussing their struggles. This initiative has since blossomed into Shoulder to Shoulder, now the fastest-growing men's community in the UK, with around 80 participants per walk and multiple monthly events. Both Tom and Dan have left their jobs to focus full-time on this venture, and Dan is even moving in with Tom to reduce costs while they grow the business.
While not a formal mental health support group, Shoulder to Shoulder indirectly bolsters mental well-being by fostering camaraderie and open dialogue. Tom notes that many participants have become close friends, enriching his life in ways he never anticipated. The community addresses a critical gap, as traditional male spaces like pubs and working men's clubs have diminished, leaving few avenues for meaningful friendship formation.
Redefining Friendship Dynamics
Tom's friendship with Dan has fundamentally altered his perspective on relationships. It has made him more open-minded about age-gap friendships and provided a new model of interaction based on vulnerability and mutual support. Unlike his university friendships, which often centre on humour without emotional depth, Tom and Dan regularly share their struggles, such as burnout, and offer immediate support through calls and check-ins.
Tom reflects that friendships, like romantic relationships, can evolve or fade over time as people grow in different directions. However, the key is maintaining open communication. His journey with Dan underscores the transformative power of male friendship in an era where emotional expression is still often stigmatised. As told to Radhika Sanghani, this story serves as an inspiring testament to the potential for deep, loving bonds between men, challenging outdated norms and fostering a healthier, more connected society.
