Agony aunt Coleen Nolan has offered heartfelt guidance to a reader struggling with the prospect of Christmas following the loss of her mother, advising that creating new memories does not mean letting go of the old.
A reader's painful dilemma
The problem was presented by a woman in her late twenties who has been with her boyfriend for three years. They moved in together over a year ago, but she often clashes with him over his family, as she feels uncomfortable spending extended time with them.
Her parents are no longer alive; her mother died from cancer a few years ago, and her father passed away in a car crash when she was a baby. Having been raised solely by her mother, who never had another partner, Christmas was traditionally a time for just the two of them.
This year, she has been invited to stay at her boyfriend's family home for the festive period but has told him she does not want to go. "I'd rather be on my own, with our dog and cat," she wrote. She explained she feels like an outsider and does not wish to spend the day with another family, having previously used work commitments in the NHS as an excuse.
Coleen Nolan's balanced perspective
In her response published on 16 December 2025, Nolan stated she could see both sides of the situation. She acknowledged that the boyfriend naturally wants his partner by his side for family celebrations.
However, she expressed deep understanding for the reader's pain, suggesting that Christmas might be a triggering reminder of the special bond she shared with her mum. Nolan posed a poignant question: "I wonder if you feel that by sharing Christmas with other people, you're betraying her in some way."
Drawing on her own experience as a mother, Nolan said she would hate to think her daughter would stop celebrating Christmas after she was gone. "I would want her to be happy and to be able to look back fondly at the times we'd shared," she wrote, adding that she believes the reader's mother would want the same for her.
Finding a path forward
Nolan shared that this year will be her own family's first Christmas without her sister, Linda, and they plan to celebrate it in her memory because she loved the season. She used this to illustrate a key point: "It's OK to make new memories and it doesn't mean you have to let go of the ones you have of your mum."
She offered practical, gentle suggestions for the reader to consider if she decides to join her boyfriend's family:
- Find a way to include her mother in the day, such as sharing a favourite Christmas story.
- Bring her mother's favourite decoration for the tree.
- Give herself permission to take a break by going to another room or taking a walk if feelings become overwhelming.
Nolan concluded by emphasising how happy the reader's mother would be to know she was "among people who love and care about you," and expressed hope that she would reconsider her decision to spend the day alone.
