Do you suspect your partner might be cheating on you but are unsure of what to do next? Relationship expert at real-life dating app happn, Claire Renier, has revealed seven steps those in the uncomfortable position should follow – from leaning on your support system to communicating rather than confronting.
And if you do decide to take them back, there are five promises they must adhere to in order for you to go on and enjoy a healthy relationship in the future. Speaking to the Daily Mail, Renier said: 'You know your relationship and your partner better than anyone, and if you feel that something is off, listen to your instincts and have a conversation with them about how this is making you feel.'
1. Communicate Rather Than Confront
Communication is key but one must approach the discussion carefully. Renier said: 'First things first, talk to your partner about your feelings so you can broach the subject in a non-accusatory way. You need to establish they actually are cheating first before the damage is done, and if you're navigating an open relationship, you may not be familiar with the signs of cheating in a relationship of this type. It's tempting to dive into detective mode, but honest, calm communication can be more revealing. Start with open questions like, "Is there something going on that we need to talk about?" rather than accusations that can shut down the truth or start an argument. Or talk about how you feel about some of the red flags, like "When you act distant and cold, it makes me think something isn't right."'
Five Signs Your Partner Might Be Cheating
- Acting cagey with their tech: If your partner was previously someone who didn't always have their phone attached to their hip, but are constantly on it now, consider why this might be.
- Changing their behaviour and routines: If your partner has recently altered their behaviour or routines significantly and consistently, this can be a sign something isn't right. There may be patterns emerging that are different to before. For example, if they're constantly working late, have unexplained absences and are away more frequently without an explanation, it's worth a chat. Similarly, if your partner is suddenly showering you with excessive attention or gifts, when they didn't previously, it could be an indicator of something not being quite right.
- Having a greater emotional or physical distance from you: If someone is cheating, they are more likely to take a step back from their relationship with you, whether this is being less affectionate, more critical, or even less interested in physical intimacy. Even if they're still physical, they may emotionally distance themselves.
- Creating differences in your finances: In a relationship, it's common to share your finances – whether this is by having a joint account or knowing where your partner's accounts lie. If you're suddenly seeing anything like unusual charges, unexplained cash withdrawals or even a decrease in shared funds, you should have an honest conversation with your partner about it.
- Taking more interest in their appearance: In any new relationship, it's common to want to dress to impress. However, if you're already in a committed relationship and your partner suddenly changes their attention to their looks or is hitting the gym more, it could be that they're trying to reignite the attraction and spark in your relationship, or it could potentially indicate that they're trying to impress someone else.
2. Take Time to Make a Decision
Next, there's no need to rush when deciding what to do next. She said: 'If you've established your partner is cheating, it will be heartbreaking and a violation of your trust. You need to assess what's right for you in your relationship. Assess whether it was a one-off act, emotional cheating or did it involve anything physical? If this were part of an open relationship, you'll need to assess if it crossed the boundary of what was mutually agreed on as the terms for the open relationship. Question whether you think you can move past the infidelity and rebuild trust. Don't rush into a decision; instead, take a day or two of space to gain clarity, as finding out about infidelity can cloud your judgment. Whether it's ending things or trying to rebuild trust, your decision should come from a place of calm, not chaos.'
3. Clear the Air and Rebuild Trust Together
'If you decide you can work through the issue, you need to discuss and clarify your feelings as a couple,' says Renier. 'Set expectations moving forward, and forgive and move on. You can't hold it against them for every little thing or build resentment otherwise the relationship won't recover. Trust can be rebuilt, but only if both parties are willing, and some couples come back stronger after it, but only when the cheater takes accountability, and the betrayed partner genuinely wants to rebuild. You could even go to couples counselling to help process and work through it with a professional. Despite this, you will need to consider the ramifications of staying together. For example, knowing that your partner has cheated on you may mean that your friends and family may be less supportive of your relationship, particularly if they have been your shoulder to cry on.'
4. Or Cut Off Completely and Walk Away
But that's not the only option, Renier explained. She said: 'However, if you decide that you can't move past the infidelity, or are unable to navigate the open relationship in the face of this, you need to leave the relationship and end it. Walking away can be a form of self-respect. If your trust has been shattered, choosing yourself isn't selfish; it's self-care. It's not a reflection of your worth either as the cheating was their choice, rather than a reflection of your value.'
5. Allow Yourself to Feel Your Feelings
Next, Renier explained the importance of processing the emotions, saying: 'Being cheated on is an emotional experience – often provoking feelings of betrayal, anger and sadness. It may also cause feelings of low self-esteem and confidence, insecurity about yourself and your relationship, as well as bitterness and resentment for how they treated you. Even if you choose to leave the relationship, the emotional impact of being a victim of infidelity can follow you into new relationships, and not only just the romantic ones, as you may find it harder to trust others. With this in mind, it's important that you give yourself the space to express your emotions – as bottling things up can be harmful in the long run.'
6. Think of the Practicalities
The expert continued: 'Relationships don't just involve your feelings – with partners often being entangled practically through living together, having joint finances, and even shared assets or children. When considering next steps, it's crucial to know where you stand both financially and legally, and who you can turn to for advice – this could be someone from your bank, or even a lawyer who specialises in divorces or family law if this is relevant to your situation.'
7. Lean on Your Support System
She concluded: 'Finally, throughout this really challenging period, it's important to confide in friends, family, or even a therapist. You should talk to people who can help you process what happened without judgement. Talking it through can help give perspective and make you feel less alone.'
The Five Promises They Should Make for You to Take Them Back
- End all communication with the other person: 'This is one of the most crucial promises they could make, as you'll always struggle to trust your partner if they're still in contact with the person that they cheated on you with. If they're going to be intentional about prioritising your relationship and healing the hurt they've caused you, they need to take all steps to go 'no contact' with the third party. If they aren't able to completely cut-off all contact, perhaps because they work together, they need to discuss with you the boundaries that they're setting in place before resuming contact.'
- Complete honesty: 'It will be an uncomfortable conversation, but your partner needs to promise to be open to answering all your questions with complete honesty. The trust in your relationship can only be re-established through complete transparency, without protecting themselves by holding any details back. If you discover that they're still not sharing the entire truth, it's a sign that they likely aren't fully committed to rebuilding your relationship.'
- Take full accountability: 'It's also important for your partner to promise that they'll take a look inwards, at their own behaviour and the reasons behind it. A partner who refuses to fully own up to their mistakes is likely to make those same mistakes again in future. If they are more committed to pinning the blame for their infidelity on you, or even the person they cheated with, they haven't done the emotional work to understand why they cheated. Without that self-awareness and remorse, there's no reason for you to believe that they've really changed and are worthy of your trust.'
- Demonstrate clear actions to show they've changed: 'Anyone can say the right things, but someone who is committed to change will actually act on what they say. Your partner needs to show you the ways in which they'll make sure this doesn't happen again in their everyday actions. These changes could range from always telling you what they're doing that evening before you ask, to avoiding one-on-one meetups that could blur the lines between friendship and flirting. Ultimately, they need to be proactive in demonstrating to you that there won't be any more secrecy in your relationship – without you needing to prompt them.'
- Be patient with you: 'It can be incredibly difficult to rebuild trust after being cheated on, and it's crucial for your partner to promise to be patient with you as you go through this process. If your partner really wants your relationship to recover from their infidelity, they'll understand that it could take a long time for you to trust them again – and that they shouldn't rush you. Healing doesn't have a deadline, and them doing everything right doesn't mean that the past will immediately be forgiven.'
