Ten years after coercive control became a criminal offence in England and Wales, a love coach who survived a series of toxic relationships is sharing her powerful story of escape, recovery, and ultimately finding true love.
The Descent into Control and Isolation
Lara Lee Caine, now 45, recalls hitting rock bottom after a pattern of damaging relationships. Bullied at school and labelled 'ugly', she developed painful shyness which carried into her early adult life, setting the stage for emotionally abusive partnerships.
"My mum told me, 'If you stay with him your life is going to be really hard'," Lara says of one early partner. The pattern escalated with a subsequent man who employed coercive control, systematically attempting to cut her off from her support network. "He'd tell me I could only trust him," she explains.
This manipulation bred anxiety and dependency. Lara found herself constantly on edge, blaming herself for her partner's reactions. "I'd walk on eggshells around him, because anything and everything would set him off." The abuse later turned physical with shoving, yet the lack of what she perceived as 'real' violence clouded her judgement. "Because he hadn't hit me, I didn't realise how bad it was," she admits.
The Moment of Clarity and Escape
The turning point came unexpectedly. "I waited for him to get angry over something again - this time it was me going out with my friends - and took that as my cue to leave," Lara states. His cold response, "Make sure you leave the rent", was the final confirmation she needed. She gathered her belongings and left for good.
Determined to break the cycle, Lara immersed herself in learning about healthy relationships. This self-work meant that when she met Lewis Caine at age 32, she was truly ready. Now, she is happily married to Lewis, 47, who runs a loft conversion company. They live in Ashford, Kent with their nine-year-old son, Harrison.
Their bond was tested and proven when Lara was diagnosed with colon cancer two years ago. "He's my biggest cheerleader," she says of Lewis's unwavering support through her treatment. Now cancer-free, the former hairdresser has channelled her experiences into a positive force.
A Decade of Criminalisation: The Fight Continues
This month marks a decade since the Serious Crime Act 2015 made coercive or controlling behaviour in an intimate or family relationship a criminal offence in England and Wales, carrying a maximum sentence of five years.
Yet, experts warn the battle is far from over. Around 1.6 million women experience domestic abuse annually in England and Wales, according to the National Centre for Domestic Violence. Police record approximately 50,000 cases of coercive control each year, with recent research suggesting it may constitute over 80% of reported domestic abuse.
Dr Cassandra Wiener, an Associate Professor in Law at City, St George's, University of London, specialises in the criminalisation of domestic abuse. "Coercive control is domestic abuse where there is a purposeful pattern of behaviour used by perpetrators to harm, punish or frighten victims," she explains, issuing a stark warning: "The link between coercive control and homicide is clear."
She acknowledges progress, noting police are learning to listen to victims' accounts of their fear, but stresses more must be done to encourage women to leave and seek help.
Gemma Sherrington, CEO of Refuge, adds: "Abuse doesn't always look the way we expect it to. It often goes unrecognised, hiding in the seemingly small moments of control and manipulation... Although it is less understood than other forms of abuse, such as physical violence, it can be equally as traumatic."
She highlights that convictions for domestic abuse remain woefully low, which can deter survivors from coming forward.
Turning Pain into Purpose
Today, Lara uses her hard-won insight to guide others. Through her business, Lara Lee Coaching, she helps successful women break free from toxic patterns. "I help successful women go from toxic love to true love - just as I did," she says.
Her story stands as a testament to the possibility of rebuilding a life after control. It underscores the importance of recognising the often-insidious signs of coercive behaviour, which can include:
- Isolating a person from friends and family.
- Monitoring their time and online communication.
- Controlling everyday aspects like where they go, what they wear, or their finances.
- Repeatedly putting them down or humiliating them.
- Depriving them of access to support services.
If you are in an abusive relationship and need confidential advice and support, call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247.
