"We're best friends," one woman confides. "But he feels more like family than a lover. The idea of sex feels awkward." Another admits, "I adore my husband. He's funny, kind, loyal, a brilliant father and still looks great. So why don't I want to sleep with him anymore?"
These are some of the most common, yet shame-laden, confessions heard by leading sex and relationships expert Tracey Cox. While people expect passion to fade over time, few anticipate it vanishing completely while deep love remains. This paradox often triggers panic, leading to questions about the relationship's future and one's own normality.
The Harsh Truth About Long-Term Lust
The reassuring truth, according to Cox, is that loss of attraction in long-term relationships is normal, explainable, and often reversible. The first crucial point to understand is that you are probably not with the wrong person. Many solid couples split because they no longer feel lust for their partner, only to find the same pattern repeating with someone new after a temporary lift.
The grim biological reality is that we aren't programmed for passionate long-term sex. Lust and love are uneasy bedfellows, with sex and love hormones often battling in our brains. Losing desire is more 'natural' in long-term setups than maintaining a constant craving. This issue affects everyone, regardless of sexual orientation—gay, straight, bisexual, or trans.
How to Trick Mother Nature and Rekindle Desire
Having spent over 30 years researching the topic, Cox concludes there is no single solution. Instead, a series of small changes can collectively create a significant shift. Her advice includes a fundamental mindset change: feeling like sex isn't the only valid reason to have it. Motivation can also come from wanting to connect, please a partner, or reap health benefits.
Cox also advises couples to recalibrate their expectations. "Sex doesn't have to be intense to be satisfying," she says. For most satisfied couples, only one or two sessions out of ten are 'great', while six are simply 'OK'. It's unrealistic to expect mind-blowing sex every time.
Other practical strategies include:
- Spending healthy time apart to maintain individuality and create interesting topics for conversation.
- Looking after your appearance to boost body confidence.
- Stopping the routine of being "sex robots" by varying techniques and exploring fantasies, without guilt over their content.
- Injecting novelty into life overall, as excitement elsewhere fuels energy for sex.
- Using outside stimulation like erotic films or sex toys to refresh the dynamic.
- Avoiding complacency and actively maintaining your sex life as you would your home.
The Game-Changer: Understanding Responsive Desire
A pivotal insight is that not feeling like sex initially doesn't mean you won't enjoy it once you start. This understanding is transformative, especially for women. Cox explains there are two types of desire: spontaneous and responsive.
Spontaneous desire is feeling randomly in the mood. About two-thirds of men experience this, compared to only 15% of women. Responsive desire, experienced by 30% of women, is when arousal follows erotic stimulation. The remaining half of women experience a mix.
In new relationships, novelty hormones can push women into spontaneous desire, but many revert to their natural responsive style later. The 'magic trick' is to begin intimacy even when not initially in the mood. Starting 'cold' can feel strange, but desire often builds through expert stimulation, leading to enjoyment and orgasm.
The Four Key Reasons Desire Disappears
Cox outlines four core reasons why passion dwindles:
- Love itself can kill desire. The brain systems for romantic love (oxytocin, seeking security) and sexual desire (dopamine, seeking novelty) are opposites. Love wants closeness; desire needs space.
- Overfamiliarity and repetitive sex. Novelty, not frequency, fuels desire. Following the same script in the same bed eventually fails to stimulate the brain.
- Slipping into parent-child dynamics. Role erosion occurs when partners see each other as dependents rather than lovers, a powerful passion killer.
- Resentment from emotional inequality. Women's desire is particularly sensitive to feeling taken for granted or carrying the bulk of emotional or domestic labour.
Tracey Cox's products are available at lovehoney.co.uk, and details of her books, podcast, and blog can be found at traceycox.com.
