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How Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria Almost Ended My Life
After a lifetime of experiencing every perceived slight as physically painful, Alex Partridge discovered that a condition tied to his ADHD could be the cause. The founder of LADBible tells Helen Coffey about the everyday challenges he faces and explains why increased awareness is crucial for those living with this often misunderstood condition.
The Pancake Incident That Changed Everything
"I like making pancakes. It's one of the things I pride myself in being good at," Alex begins. "One day, I decided to make pancakes for my partner, and I was very excited. I went to buy the flour, eggs and milk, and as I was stirring the ingredients, she said: 'Alex, you're stirring the ingredients in the wrong order!' It was a throwaway comment. But I remember my euphoria and excitement for the evening instantly disappeared. I almost went non-verbal. I didn't understand why and how there could be such a drastic change in my mood."
For someone with Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD), a perceived slight can feel physically painful. This heightened emotional pain response to perceived criticisms from other people is instant and visceral. You feel it in your gut sometimes - it can be completely derailing, turning a reasonably nice day into a catastrophe from a tiny comment or even something as benign as a thumbs up emoji in response to a text.
Discovering the Name for the Pain
Alex didn't come across the term RSD until years later. He was diagnosed with ADHD in 2023, and soon after, started a podcast called ADHD Chatter. "I started interviewing everyone I could find," he explains. "There were lots of familiar stories that came up about this extreme emotional response to perceived or real criticism; that really triggered my awareness of it. Then I started speaking to experts on the topic. I had an awakening on my journey doing the podcast. The more I interviewed people, the more I recognised my own behaviour, my own vulnerability, to real or perceived criticisms. I discovered there was a name that had been put to it."
The term was first coined by American psychiatrist William Dodson, who recognised a pattern of behaviour in his patients with ADHD, autism, and other neurodivergent conditions. RSD doesn't always involve verbal comments - it can be an eye roll at the dinner table, or putting an idea forward and having it dismissed and ignored.
The Childhood Roots of RSD
RSD seems to start in childhood. "The obvious example for me was not being chosen for the sports team at school, or being left out of a game of 'It' on the playground: little things that a lot of the time have reasonable explanations," Alex recalls. "I remember on one particular occasion when I was not chosen, feeling that intense sadness and removing myself from the situation, finding a little corner in the playground and just rocking back and forward. It's a very shameful experience."
Neurodivergent children are exposed to significantly more criticisms than the average child. Dodson theorised that you can actually put a number on it: he estimated that it adds up to 20,000 extra comments, 20,000 extra little micro-criticisms in your early years if you are "different."
"My first memory of feeling different was in the playground," Alex shares. "Someone said, 'You could be one of the cool kids if you weren't so weird.' Those comments and criticisms compound over a childhood to create an adult who is so ashamed of who they are that they hide it. You end up abandoning yourself."
The Business Deal That Nearly Ended Everything
Alex believes RSD nearly killed him. He started a business while at university called UNILad. "I always prefer to work on my own - I've never particularly been a social person - but the business got to a point where I might have needed help," he explains. "I ended up meeting these two potential business partners. I remember the day very well; my intuition was telling me: walk away. This is not a good idea. You don't want to work with these people. You're better on your own."
"It's very clear that that particular day in 2013, the people pleaser in me, the version of me that's always been terrified of confrontation, just signed the bit of paper put in front of me. Ultimately, it triggered a five-year court case that tipped me into alcoholism and many hospital visits."
On one occasion, a nurse told his mother that if he'd had one more drink the night before, he would have suffered from acute alcohol poisoning - that it most likely would have ended his life. Although Alex eventually won the court case and regained control of his company, he reflects that it could all have been avoided had he listened to his intuition and said "no" instead of signing a bad business contract.
The Impact on Relationships and Daily Life
RSD makes relationships particularly challenging because there will inevitably be moments of tension. "Unless there's clear communication, even neutral comments will be very painful to someone with RSD," Alex explains. "Real criticisms can be totally destructive and lead to very impulsive decisions in the moment. Decisions like: 'I want a divorce', 'I'm leaving you'. Then you come down from the heightened emotional state, and often you didn't mean what you said, because you weren't really reacting to what your partner said in the here and now."
"You know that if they come home and the door slams slightly heavier, or you sense a slight abruptness in their voice, that they probably had a bad day at work - but you internalise it. You think it's about you."
Finding Tools and Building Awareness
Alex has spoken to 300 experts on ADHD, and nobody has really found a solution to the immediate effect of RSD - that moment of trigger and intense emotion. "There seems to be no antidote," he admits. "But what does help a lot is, when you are experiencing that moment, to recognise what it is - to call it out and say: 'This isn't me. This is RSD. I'm not responding to what that person has said today. My nervous system has been snapped back to those horrible 20,000 comments.' I truly believe it's a trauma response."
"There is no easy fix, but I think it's about having awareness and tools. If you can hold it out in your hand and name it as RSD, you can disarm it a lot. When you have an awareness and you know what you're dealing with, you can then also isolate and see the consequences of it, which you might have previously thought were because you're 'broken.'"
"When you start realising that you're not broken, you're just different - you're not actually 'too sensitive', you have RSD - you can then start working towards putting systems in place to help you stop people pleasing so much, or stop overworking. Or you can start putting yourself forward for opportunities - because you absolutely deserve to do amazing things."
Alex Partridge is the host of the ADHD Chatter podcast and a Sunday Times bestselling author. His new book, 'Why Does Everybody Hate Me?: Living and Loving with Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria' is available to pre-order now.
