A hospice nurse with years of experience in intensive care units is making an impassioned public plea for families to break the taboo and start talking about death and dying much earlier.
The Critical Conversation We're All Avoiding
Julie McFadden, a former ICU nurse now working in hospice care and a prominent online personality known as 'Nurse Julie', has witnessed the consequences of silence firsthand. She spent years in environments where she "faced death nearly daily" and says the avoidance of end-of-life planning discussions creates unnecessary distress for families during already difficult times.
McFadden, who shares candid advice on YouTube and social media, believes that normalising conversations about mortality is key to reducing fear. She acknowledges that broaching the subject with loved ones can be "hard and messy", but insists the alternative is worse. "Just by starting the conversation, you let your loved ones know that you are open for the conversation when they are," she urged.
Five Steps to Start Talking
Partnering with the organisation Afterall, Nurse Julie has outlined a straightforward, five-step approach to initiating these crucial talks. Her first piece of advice is logistical: "Don't just bring it up anywhere." She recommends setting a comfortable time and place dedicated to the discussion.
Her second tip focuses on framing. Instead of bluntly asking about funeral flowers, she suggests a more collaborative approach. For example: "Mum, can you help with something? I know you're doing OK right now, but in the future, if something were to happen, I'd like to have some plans in place so I know how to better care for you." This makes the loved one feel helpful, not interrogated.
The third step involves leading by example. By sorting out your own advance directives and wishes, you create a natural and less confrontational way to open the dialogue, sharing what matters to you.
Fourthly, Nurse Julie advises bringing in experts. "Bring in experts, for example an estate planner. Most people don't think they have an estate to plan but you do," she noted, highlighting that professional guidance can simplify complex legal and financial matters.
What to Discuss and Why It Matters
Finally, she explains that once the conversation is started, a range of topics should be covered. This includes practicalities like funeral planning, legal documents such as living wills, and even personal touches like obituary wishes. The most important part, she stresses, is to listen and respect the expressed desires.
Leaving this discussion until someone's final days, she warns, is a critical mistake. Having clarity on a person's preferences for care and after their death can prevent family conflicts and ensure that an individual's final chapter aligns with their values. For McFadden, early and open dialogue is the greatest gift families can give each other.
