French 'Deep Dating' Movement Skips Small Talk for Sexual Fantasies
A revolutionary dating trend emerging from France is challenging conventional first-date etiquette by encouraging participants to bypass mundane small talk and dive directly into discussions about sexual fantasies and preferences. This innovative approach, dubbed "deep dating," aims to cultivate a culture of openness and honesty among singles, potentially transforming how relationships are formed.
The Concept of Deep Dating
Launched last year in Paris by sex therapist Léa Toussaint, these unique singles nights target individuals under 40, offering a structured environment for intimate conversations. For a fee of €25, attendees engage in a series of seven-minute speed-dating sessions, utilizing prompted questions to guide discussions. These questions include provocative topics such as preferences for indoor versus outdoor sex and desires regarding sexual initiation frequency.
Toussaint describes the concept as a tool to overcome communication barriers. "If people don't know what to say or find it hard to talk to each other, they can take a card and place it between them and ask the question written on it," she explained to The Times. This method provides a framework for those who might otherwise feel daunted by discussing intimate matters with strangers, especially within the brief timeframe of a speed date.
Potential Benefits for British Daters
This French innovation arrives at a time when many in the UK struggle with sexual communication, which significantly impacts pleasure and satisfaction. According to The Great British Sex Report, which surveyed 2,000 sexually active adults, only one in three individuals always experience orgasm with their partner, with a notable gender disparity: men are twice as likely to orgasm as women. Furthermore, 42% of respondents find it difficult to communicate their desires during sex, and 37% have concealed a sexual preference or fantasy from a partner.
Relationship experts argue that adopting such open dialogue early in dating could address these issues. Courtney Boyer, a relationships coach and author, asserts that this approach flips the traditional dating script. "Speed dating built around fantasies flips the usual script: instead of polite small talk and vague flirting, people surface what they actually want," she says. "For some daters, that honesty is refreshing and empowering, and far more efficient than pretending everyone likes the same vanilla script."
Assessing Sexual Compatibility
Emma-Louise Boynton, founder of Sex Talks, emphasizes that discussing sex early can reveal crucial aspects of compatibility. "How someone talks about sex tells you a lot about them and your potential compatibility," she notes. Boynton advocates for normalizing these conversations outside the bedroom, sharing that her own sex life transformed when she began discussing her work on first dates. "It immediately put sex on the table in a non-taboo, non-shaming way," she recalls, highlighting how this openness fostered deeper connections and reduced anxieties.
Real-world experiences support this perspective. Ruben, 24, recounts a positive first-date experience where discussing fantasies naturally arose after a few drinks. "We laughed about it, shared a bit, and it didn't kill the vibe at all. It actually made things more open and fun there and then," he says. Similarly, Miriam, 35, attended UK singles nights hosted by the app Feeld, where honesty about sexual preferences was commonplace. She found that this approach accelerated getting to know people compared to traditional dating events, as the ice was broken instantly.
Broader Relationship Implications
Intimacy expert Ruby Rare suggests that early discussions about fantasies can extend benefits beyond the bedroom, normalizing vulnerability and improving overall communication in relationships. "If you're brave enough to tell someone about that devious thing you've always wanted to try, then I hope it makes the serious stuff like negotiating boundaries and addressing conflict feel less daunting too," she explains. This aligns with the idea that fostering openness early can enhance trust and reduce future tensions.
Challenges and Alternatives
Despite its potential, the deep dating approach is not universally appealing. For introverted individuals or those who prefer building trust gradually, such events might induce anxiety rather than connection. Carla, 29, expresses caution, stating, "I believe that type of talk should wait for much later. These types of talks occur naturally once you build true trust with someone." She advocates for establishing a respectful foundation first, allowing more private conversations to unfold without pressure.
For those hesitant to broach these topics in person, experts recommend alternative strategies. Rare advises starting with curiosity rather than pressure, using open questions about comfort levels and boundaries to create a relaxed dialogue. She also suggests that post-sex conversations or even text-based discussions can lay the groundwork for in-person chats, making the process less intimidating.
Conclusion: A Shift Towards Openness
Ultimately, whether embraced at speed-dating events or integrated into later dates, promoting open conversations about sex is widely seen as beneficial. Boynton concludes, "When you're dating, obviously, you want to have sex, and the fact that we don't talk about it is wild to me. Anything that encourages more open and positive conversations around sex is a really good thing." As dating cultures evolve, the French deep dating movement offers a provocative model for enhancing sexual communication and compatibility, challenging long-held taboos and encouraging a more honest approach to modern relationships.
