In a blistering critique of modern commuting etiquette, stand-up comedian and resident doctor Michael Akadiri has declared that public displays of affection (PDAs) during the morning rush hour are a crime against society. His proposed punishment? A swift trip to jail, enforced by a hypothetical 'British tonguing police'.
The Love Advocate Who Hates Morning Canoodling
Michael Akadiri is quick to establish his credentials as a romantic. He is happily married with two sons, surrounded by loved-up friends and family, and is a self-confessed fan of reality dating shows like Pop the Balloon or Find Love, hosted by Arlette Amuli. He insists he loves love, celebrating when strangers find connection. However, this appreciation hits a hard barrier at approximately 8 a.m. on a Tuesday on a packed train or bus.
For Akadiri, the sight of commuters hugging, kissing, or even sitting on each other's laps on the way to work is nothing short of an abomination. In his fictional dictatorship, such acts would lead to immediate imprisonment without trial. The perpetrators would not pass go, nor collect £200; they would go directly to a cell.
The Unforgivable Timing of the Morning Commute
The comedian-doctor draws a clear line between different times of day. He expresses a begrudging tolerance for a little tipsy affection on evening or weekend journeys home after a night out. The uninhibited feeling post-drinks, he concedes, can sometimes manifest in a public embrace. His mantra remains: if it's not a full-blown show, then do your thing.
The core of his argument hinges on the timing. 'What’s the excuse for feeling randy at eight o’clock on a Tuesday morning?' he demands. In his view, nothing should be arousing at that hour. He controversially suggests that anyone in such a state should be treated similarly to someone under the influence of drink or drugs: they should stay home, deal with the effects, and only return to work once they have recovered.
A Plea for Decorum Before 9 AM
Akadiri's final plea is one of simple, exasperated boundary-setting. He reiterates his happiness for people in love, supporting their right to love whomever they choose. His single request, delivered with the Nigerian Pidgin word 'abeg' (meaning 'please'), is that they refrain from expressing it in his face first thing in the morning.
Michael Akadiri, who will embark on his 'Don’t Call Me Uncle' tour across the UK and Ireland in 2026, has firmly planted his flag on this hill of morning commute propriety. For many weary, coffee-deprived travellers, his rant may just hit the mark.
