As the festive season reaches its peak and New Year's Eve parties loom, a contentious piece of social advice is gaining traction: if you must cancel, do it well in advance or not at all. According to writer and curator Phineas Harper, sending a last-minute 'sorry, can't make it' text is a grave party hosting sin, far worse than the act of simply not showing up.
The Host's Headache: Why Day-Of Cancellations Are the Worst
Harper lays out a compelling case for why declining an invitation on the very day of the event is "infuriatingly useless". From a practical standpoint, the damage is already done. Catering has been ordered, drinks have been bought, and preparations are complete. A late cancellation offers no opportunity to adjust quantities or invite someone else to fill the empty spot.
Beyond the logistical nightmare, there's a significant emotional toll. A host spends the day cleaning, cooking, curating playlists, and building anticipation, only to have their buzz killed by a flurry of apologetic messages just as guests are due to arrive. This wave of rejection, Harper argues, strikes at a moment when the host is feeling most vulnerable about the event's success.
Ghosting: The Surprisingly Humane Alternative
So, what is the correct protocol if you find yourself unexpectedly unable to attend a gathering you had committed to? Harper's controversial yet clear advice is to keep your mouth shut and your phone in your pocket. In the context of large parties, ghosting is positioned not as rudeness, but as a considerate act.
The reasoning is that most organisers of sizable events anticipate some level of flakiness. They will have invited enough people to ensure a good turnout regardless of a few no-shows. Therefore, your absence is your loss, and broadcasting it at the eleventh hour only serves to heap stress onto the host. Your silence allows them to focus on the guests who are present.
The Dreaded Group Chat and Small Gathering Exceptions
Harper reserves particular disdain for the 'vibes-death' caused by last-minute dropouts in a party's group chat. Seeing a parade of guests announce they "can't make it after all" deflates the excitement for everyone else in the conversation, turning what should be a hype forum into a stream of apologies.
The one caveat to the 'ghosting is best' rule is for very small, intimate events like a dinner party. In those cases, a short, apologetic message is warranted, ideally followed by a more substantial gesture like flowers or a card a few days later. However, for any gathering larger than ten people, the mantra is clear: keep stumm.
As we navigate a busy social calendar, Harper's take serves as a stark reminder that party etiquette isn't just about showing up—it's also about how we choose to bow out. Sometimes, the most polite response is no response at all.
