The world can feel increasingly polarised. Televised debates are shrill, and social media often confines us to echo chambers while generating daily outrages that demand instant opinions and drawn battle lines. However, it does not have to be this way. Diverse communities can hold diverse opinions and still coexist harmoniously. As a society, we can embrace free speech, reasoned dialogue, and diversity of thought if we learn to disagree well.
Encouraging respectful, attentive dialogue has always been a key role of the nation's universities. This is why University College London (UCL) has expanded its Disagreeing Well programme, an initiative designed to promote careful listening and thoughtful dialogue that challenges assumptions and opens minds to new perspectives.
A centrepiece of the programme is the Disagreeing Well Video Skills series, written and hosted by Mia Forbes Pirie, an international conflict mediator and UCL alumna. In the series, she explores five fundamental skills for open, productive discourse.
Mutual Respect and Curiosity
Disagreeing Well is built on mutual respect, which is harder to achieve than it sounds. It means accepting that we cannot and should not control the person we are talking to and that it is acceptable for them to have different opinions. To genuinely respect someone's opinion, we should be curious about why they hold it. This involves getting to know them and opens the possibility of authentic connection. New research in psychological science indicates that individuals often perceive those who disagree with them as poor listeners, even when attentive. This misperception underscores the importance of mutual respect and curiosity in discussions.
Understanding Is Different from Agreeing
One of the main barriers to disagreeing well is the increasingly pervasive contest-style approach to conversation, where there must be a winner and a loser. A study published in Language and Cognition examined how individuals respond to one-sentence assertions, focusing on understanding and agreement. The findings indicated that participants often provided evaluative responses (agree or disagree) regardless of their understanding of the statement, suggesting a tendency to conflate comprehension with agreement. If we approach conversations as a way to gain a more complete vision of the person's opinion, we are more likely to find common ground. If we cannot, we can still recognise that someone's opinion can be worthy of respect even if we disagree with it.
Distinguishing Between the Person and Their Opinion
In the overwhelming majority of cases, it is possible to distinguish between the whole person—their capacity for joy and kindness—and their opinion on a given topic. Not least because opinions can change and are almost always held for an understandable reason, whether cultural or based on particular experiences.
Preparing to Listen
Authentic listening is hard. It requires attention and humility. It involves being fully present, which requires preparation and a willingness to encounter things you might not want to hear. Crucially, when you listen openly and attentively to someone else, they are much more likely to listen similarly to you. A psychological study by the University of Bath found that reflecting on personal values before discussions can promote intellectual humility, leading to more harmonious interactions.
Preparing to Speak
There is no point speaking if no one is listening. How then do you encourage the person you are talking to to actually listen while you are talking? Preparing to speak in an open, impactful way is not about producing 'gotcha' lines; it is about being calm, connecting with the person you are talking to, and creating an environment conducive to them actually hearing what you are saying.
UCL's Disagreeing Well Skills Video Series offers further insights. Do you find certain topics difficult to talk about? Are there things you wish you could communicate better? Or are you simply looking to refine your conversational skills? UCL has developed a video series with international mediator and coach, and UCL alumna, Mia Forbes Pirie. Mia shares key skills to help you disagree better and empower you to have more difficult conversations. Discover Mia's tips on key themes, such as preparing to listen, dealing with triggers, and thinking for yourself. For further free-to-all public resources, visit UCL's Disagreeing Well website.
