The office Secret Santa is meant to be a bit of festive fun, a chance to share some light-hearted cheer with colleagues. But when it goes wrong, the consequences can be devastating, leading to lasting hurt, formal grievances, and even workplace bans.
When Festive Fun Turns into Personal Attacks
Susanna Beves, then a young teacher at an international school in Germany, experienced one of the cruellest examples. She opened a gift of a solitaire game in front of 60 staff members, only to find a note stating it was chosen "because I was single and lonely and likely to remain so, as I had no friends."
Now 57, Beves recalls the moment as "the most awful thing." She felt an immediate urge to cry, compounded by the knowledge the anonymous giver was in the room. The spiteful act, from a workplace she thought was friendly, left such a mark that she refused to participate in Secret Santas for years afterwards, only relenting on the condition the giver's name was revealed.
The High Cost of Poorly Judged 'Jokes'
HR consultant Shelley Poole, with over 20 years of experience, has dealt with numerous complaints stemming from Secret Santa exchanges. She cautions against gifts that mock a person's perceived flaws, such as deodorant for someone with body odour or, in one shocking case, a bondage kit for a woman in a male-dominated team who had previously objected to sexual jokes.
"That can lead to some people feeling pretty humiliated," Poole says. "I've seen grievances come out of it." In serious cases, such gifts can constitute harassment, leading to upheld grievances and mandatory staff training.
Tony O'Brien's story is a stark example. After having to put down his beloved white boxer puppy following an unprovoked attack, he shared his heartbreak with Northern Ireland civil service colleagues. His Secret Santa gift? Six tins of dog food, puppy training pads, and two inflatable dogs.
"I tried to pretend that I got the joke, but I was horrified," O'Brien, now 59, admits. The incident made him deeply cynical about his colleagues, leading him to share less of his personal life and eventually move departments. It also contributed to the civil service's decision to ban Secret Santa entirely following a series of similar incidents.
Unintentional Blunders and the Art of the Apology
Not all disasters are malicious. Georgie Goldstein, 33, received a set of 'Morning Gorgeous' and 'Morning Handsome' couples' mugs shortly after her long-term relationship had ended. While she could see the humour, it "hit a bit of a nerve."
Sometimes, the reaction causes as much trouble as the gift. Ian from Salford fell out with his 'work wife' for a month after publicly dismissing a magnetic jigsaw puzzle because his new fridge was plastic-coated. He later discovered it did stick, but the damage to the friendship was already done.
Poole advises that if a gift causes offence, the resolution is never to tell the recipient they've had a "sense of humour failure." A sincere apology is key. For organisers, measures like mandatory reveal of the giver's identity or optional wishlists can mitigate risk, though some argue that removes the fun of the surprise.
The legacy of a bad Secret Santa can be long-lasting. For Beves, it fostered a general wariness of gift-giving. For O'Brien, it bred enduring workplace cynicism. The message from HR professionals is clear: think carefully. What seems like a hilarious joke in the Christmas spirit could permanently damage a colleague's wellbeing and your professional relationships.
