‘I wondered if I would be a coward or not’: Five Ukrainian men on how war has changed them
Russia’s full-scale invasion forced Ukrainian men of all ages and professions onto the frontlines, most with no prior combat experience. The conflict has irrevocably altered their lives, relationships, and self-perception. Tracy McVeigh spoke to five soldiers about their profound transformations.
Valentyn Polianskyi, 24 – poet, tailor, and former prisoner of war
Raised in the Kherson region after his mother’s early death, Valentyn Polianskyi initially felt self-conscious about his passion for tailoring, believing it was traditionally feminine. After university, he joined the 36th Marine Brigade as a material support sergeant. He fell deeply in love, becoming engaged just before the invasion.
Deployed to Mariupol, he witnessed the city’s brutal siege. On April 12, 2022, as his unit surrendered to avoid annihilation, he learned his girlfriend was pregnant. Captured by Russian forces, he endured three years of beatings, starvation, torture, and poisoning.
“Sometimes, I find it easier not to talk at all. It’s very hard to talk about captivity,” he admits. “You stand from 6am until 10pm, your legs swelling with blood clots. The beatings are constant. Men are castrated, poisoned with chemicals. Without doctors, the elderly die from untreated conditions.”
Upon release, he returned to a wife and a two-and-a-half-year-old daughter. “Our relationship has grown colder. My daughter struggles to see where I fit—sometimes she calls me Daddy, sometimes Valentyn.” He battles aggression, avoiding alcohol, meditating, and writing poetry to cope. Now aiding fellow released prisoners, his gentle nature has hardened. “I would kill each Russian with my bare hands. Even my grandchildren will know they are bastards.”
Henadii Udovenko, 53 – builder, father, and commander
Henadii Udovenko, a small business owner, enlisted immediately after the invasion. “I was afraid, wondering if I’d be a coward. But war changes you stage by stage.” He discovered inner strength, rising to command a unit.
Wounded in 2023, he lost a leg but returned to the front. “My family needed me less than the men at the front. I couldn’t abandon them.” His marriage strengthened post-injury, but he notes widespread relationship strains. “Young women are fed up; the war divides families. Soldiers function differently—we open up quickly, forming unbreakable bonds.”
He distinguishes between Russian citizens and the regime. “I don’t hate Russians; they’re poor like us. My enemy is those in the trenches shooting at us.” He values Ukraine’s independence, despite past mistakes, and participates in Veterans’ Theatre, writing a play about his experiences.
Denys Monastyrskyy, 29 – gamer, sniper, and weapons trainer
Denys Monastyrskyy joined the army in 2014 after Russia annexed Crimea, following his father’s path. In 2017, shrapnel severed two fingers. “Amputation is a constant fear. It felt like an intense burn, but training kicked in.” His commander insisted surgeons save his hand.
The 2022 invasion drew him back. “They took my fingers, killed my father, invaded my land. This is the most important event of my life.” He has lost 40 friends but remains defiant. “Ukrainians never give up.”
War forced rapid maturity. “I don’t feel cheated of my youth; it was unavoidable. War reveals your strengths and weaknesses, creating a commonality among men.” However, he sees relationships suffering. “Couples struggle; many women leave with children. With only 15 days of leave yearly, distance breeds sadness.”
Masi Nayyem, 41 – refugee, lawyer, and soldier
Afghan-Ukrainian lawyer Masi Nayyem was on a date dismissing war rumors when his reservist call-up came. Born in war-torn Afghanistan, he fled to Ukraine as a refugee. “I love this country. It was time to be a man, show who you are.”
Wounded by a mine in June 2022, he lost an eye and part of his brain. “I joked I could now park badly.” He faced racist trolling but realized it was Russian bots. “This war has united Ukrainians more than in a century.”
Co-founding legal aid centre Pryncyp, he advocates for veterans. “Civil society must hear their problems.” He describes relationship challenges. “You speak one language with men, another at home. Veterans struggle to find understanding. Psychologists are scarce; we lack a culture of mental health care. It’s like a knife still in the wound—the bleeding will come later.”
Alex Tomkin, 35 – video producer, DJ, and soldier
Alex Tomkin openly feared the frontline. “I’m no traitor, but who wants to die?” Initially aiding civilians and DJing, he was conscripted in June 2022. “The army gave me confidence. Before, I doubted myself; now I stand by my choices.”
He observes growing stress in men. “Women live freely; men become afraid to leave home. Distance makes you value feminine energy more, but an invisible ice forms. We created it—they can’t understand our state.”
War stripped away superficiality. “I was a demon in short relationships. Now I want something real, for life. Survival mode leaves no room for romance, but distance cleared my head.”
These five stories illuminate the harrowing personal costs of war, highlighting resilience, fractured relationships, and the enduring human spirit amid unimaginable adversity.
