The Independent's journalism receives support from our readers. When you make purchases through links on our site, we may earn commission.
Understanding Future Faking in Modern Relationships
Let's examine how to identify if you're experiencing 'future faking' by the person you're dating. When it comes to romantic relationships, talk can prove remarkably cheap. Helen Coffey investigates this latest manifestation of commitment-phobia, consulting experts about why certain individuals promise the world yet consistently fail to deliver.
Saturday 24 January 2026 06:00 GMT
"From the very beginning, we discussed family, marriage, children. It wasn't casual – it was constant," shared digital creator Anastasiia in a three-part Instagram post last year. "We planned our future together; we talked about our children's names; we visited jewellery stores where he inquired about my ring size… I genuinely believed I was building a life with this man."
She described a fairytale experience many women dream about – meeting a man, feeling instant, "magical" chemistry and connection, and rapidly beginning to construct a shared vision of a future together. "Back then, it felt like love, it felt like destiny," she continued. However, what followed proved far less romantic. As time progressed, none of the significant plans materialised; her partner appeared to be all talk with no substantive action.
"The proposal was perpetually delayed for fabricated reasons," she explained. "It transformed into an emotional rollercoaster of manipulation, a complete disconnect between his words and his actions. I remained in that dynamic, hooked and bewildered, attempting to make sense of things that made no logical sense."
Eventually, Anastasiia discovered her ex had been deceiving her in multiple ways and managed to extricate herself from the relationship. She now believes she fell victim to "future faking", a contemporary buzzword popularised through social media that describes the experience of being sold the dream of a future together by your dating partner – a dream that never becomes reality. Or, as Anastasiia characterises it, "constructing an illusion of a future he never actually intended to provide me."
The Connection Between Future Faking and Love Bombing
Future faking frequently accompanies love bombing, another relatively recent term describing when someone overwhelms a new romantic interest at a relationship's outset with excessive affection, attention, and praise. Initially, this might feel like being swept off your feet; in reality, this behaviour creates a frenzy of emotional intensity and dismantles boundaries too rapidly, replacing genuine intimacy that requires time to develop.
Like numerous relationship dynamics, the concept of future faking isn't novel, even if the terminology feels fresh. Taylor Swift seemingly referenced it following her six-year relationship with actor Joe Alwyn, singing: "You s***-talked me under the table, talking rings and talking cradles" during the track "loml" on her 2024 post-break-up album The Tortured Poets Department.
Then there exists the straightforward manipulation of talking someone into bed – the classic risk women are particularly warned about: that a man will articulate whatever they wish to hear to achieve physical intimacy. The character Samantha in Sex and the City became an unexpected victim of this romantic deception in the episode "They Shoot Single People, Don't They?" when a club owner lures her in by referring to them as a "we" and immediately begins painting an enticing picture of a future together… before abruptly ghosting her.
Expert Insights: When Future Faking Isn't Intentional
Nevertheless, according to relationship experts, this type of "deception" often isn't necessarily intentional. "Most individuals express these things because they genuinely believe them," clarifies Julie Menanno, a marriage and family therapist and author of Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime. "They're not merely attempting to be manipulative."
Future faking can emerge from the idyllic honeymoon phase at a relationship's beginning. "When two people connect and feel attracted to each other, they get along, share similar interests, and demonstrate substantial compatibility, it becomes remarkably easy to say, 'This would be wonderful – look, we can have this fantastic future together,'" Menanno observes. "And that feels safe, because there's no downside yet, correct?"
However, whether a relationship survives long-term fundamentally depends on whether a couple can successfully resolve arguments, navigating the challenging process of rupture and repair. "If both individuals don't understand how to navigate conflict with emotional safety, they create what are termed negative cycles, where they begin communicating in ways that generate significant emotional unsafety," according to Menanno. Sometimes one party withdraws and shuts down while the other becomes anxious, feeling desperate to be heard and connect. The blame cycle spirals, and tensions accumulate.
"At that juncture, the relationship no longer feels so wonderful, right?" Menanno remarks. "It might experience periods of being wonderful, but there exist sufficient bad times for the person who originally declared, 'Hey, let's have this beautiful future together,' to feel apprehensive that this future might not actually prove so great."
Perhaps enough positive aspects remain to believe the relationship warrants maintaining; perhaps hope persists that things could miraculously improve. The consequence? The relationship becomes stuck in limbo, with one person too frightened of losing their partner to terminate things, yet too scared about a potentially unhappy future to genuinely dive in and commit.
"Commitment-phobia can manifest in numerous different ways," Menanno highlights. "It can appear as saying nothing whatsoever and simply refusing to discuss the future, or it can emerge through making plans that never materialise. Ultimately, it represents a method through which a person who desires connection, yet fears connection, regulates their nervous system."
Modern Dating Culture and Attachment Styles
Indeed, contemporary dating culture, where seemingly infinite options exist at the touch or swipe of a button, can render taking concrete steps to commit to another person feel "frightening", notes Sarah Ingram, a couples psychotherapist at Tavistock Relationships. "Imagining being with this person forever feels terrifying for some individuals, so they can maintain a fantasy that 'we're going to accomplish this,' but the reality might feel genuinely boring, like becoming stuck, and inevitably involves some compromise." Talking a compelling game without ever following through, meanwhile, enables someone to preserve a sense that they're keeping their options open and protecting themselves.
This behaviour might be partially motivated by attachment styles. This psychoanalytic theory, developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, proposes that different bond types form between a baby and caregiver based on how responsive the latter proves to the former's needs. Others have theorised that the attachment style a person develops during infancy will serve as an emotional blueprint for their future romantic relationships – that inconsistent care can lead to insecure attachment styles later in life, including anxious, avoidant, and disorganised attachment.
"I would imagine it links to your attachment," agrees Ingram. "If you possess some attachment style where feeling settled appears claustrophobic – that, while you appreciate the idea of it, the reality of it simply feels somewhat deadening."
This phenomenon might more likely occur with those exhibiting an avoidant attachment style. Avoidant attachment in adults associates with hyper-independence and self-sufficiency, difficulty engaging in emotional or physical intimacy, and a tendency to withdraw or shut down. For some, "relationships were linked with engulfment and intrusiveness, typically during their upbringing," explains Menanno. "The closeness felt somewhat smothering. Consequently, the adult fears that sensation, but they also yearn for normal human closeness, attempting to reconcile the two. Either way, they'll need to confront fear: they'll either face fear and discomfort around engulfment or the fear and discomfort of being alone."
Under these circumstances, future faking can represent a method of holding onto a relationship without needing to fully commit to it – avoiding confronting either fear. However, it leaves the other person in the relationship in a state of perpetual confusion and abandonment.
Identifying Future Faking: Concrete Behaviour Matters
What can exacerbate the issue is that avoidant individuals frequently attract anxious partners. "Regarding couple attachment, one partner can genuinely desire security and become quite demanding concerning future planning," says Ingram, "and the more they advance toward it, the more the other person retreats. This emerges frequently in couples therapy – that if one person becomes emotionally demanding, the other reverses away."
The core issue nearly always remains identical: difficulty connecting. "There's usually a struggle with genuine intimacy from the outset, meaning they don't comprehend how to connect emotionally and vulnerably," she states. "When people don't understand how to create authentic emotional connection with a partner, a void exists." In an attempt to fill that with some sense of connection or excitement, it becomes tempting to "connect to the fantasy of a future instead of establishing actual connection with each other."
So how can you determine if you're being future faked by the person you're dating? Ingram recommends examining concrete behaviour – are they putting their money where their mouth is, or is it merely hot air? For instance, if you've discussed purchasing a home together, are they allocating savings for a deposit? It's also worthwhile observing less dramatic, day-to-day behaviours, and whether a potential partner follows through on smaller promises.
"You want to witness that they accomplish what they declare," says Menanno. "If they don't – because we're not always perfect – do they make repairs? Do they discuss it, or do they simply manufacture excuses?" She additionally recommends looking inward and assessing: does your body feel calm and safe when you interact with this person? Do you feel heard? Do you feel seen? Do you feel understood?
Ultimately, although someone promising the world early in a relationship might appear like a fairytale, it's more likely a red flag than romantic. "The only way you can ascertain if you desire a future with someone is by genuinely getting to know them – it originates from repeated and diverse experiences with them," advises Menanno. "And if you haven't had an opportunity to experience conflict, you don't truly know that person."
