A board-certified psychiatrist has issued a stark warning to parents about a common praise mistake that could be harming their children's mental development rather than helping it. Dr. Sue Varma, an acclaimed author and mental health expert, appeared on the Today show this week to discuss the psychological resilience required by top athletes during the Winter Olympics, and she extended her insights to everyday parenting practices.
The Fixed Trait Praise Problem
Dr. Varma explained that while acknowledging children's accomplishments is crucial, many parents worldwide make a significant error by complimenting "fixed traits" such as physical strength or good looks. "So much of the time we compliment our kids by saying something like, 'You're so strong, you're good looking,'" she noted. "Those are fixed traits. We have to really reinforce the effort."
Focusing on Effort Over Innate Ability
Instead of praising inherent qualities, Dr. Varma emphasized that parents should applaud the effort children put into their successes. She provided a practical example: "My kid just got 100 on a math test but he was struggling before that. Tell your kid, 'Do you know how many hours you put in to get that? I love that.' Praise the effort because that is something that we have control over."
She stressed that parents should commend achievements that "came with growth" rather than those requiring minimal work. This approach teaches youngsters that "success isn't just about your raw abilities" but rather about "your confidence in those abilities." Celebrating wins helps children "see the connection between their effort and performance," fostering a healthier mindset.
Applying the Mindset to Adults
Dr. Varma pointed out that this principle applies not only to children but to adults as well. "So many of us dismiss ourselves and say, 'I'm just not good at math or science,'" she explained. "That's not true, you can be good at anything it just takes X amount of hours... The person you become in the wins, in the losses, makes you ready for all aspects of life."
Lessons from Olympic Athletes
Drawing from her observations of elite competitors, Dr. Varma highlighted that most Olympic athletes share a key trait: conscientiousness. "That, to me, is basically discipline and emotional stability when things get tough," she said. "It's showing up when life is inconvenient, and it's about not waiting for motivation to act. They also stay calm. They can manage their emotions. They don't let their emotions manage them."
Broader Parenting Insights
This discussion follows recent revelations from psychologist Dr. Jazmine McCoy, known as The Mom Psychologist, who identified five common parental behaviors that unintentionally trigger bad behavior in children. In a viral Instagram post, Dr. McCoy explained that many parents, including herself, make mistakes when feeling overwhelmed or stressed.
Her list includes rushing children through transitions, asking questions when they are dysregulated, offering choices during overwhelm, attempting to teach lessons mid-escalation, and telling kids to "calm down" or "relax." She warned that such phrases "only increase shame, disconnection and escalation," urging parents to adopt more intentional responses.
Dr. Varma's advice underscores a growing recognition in mental health circles that mindful parenting, focused on effort and growth, can build resilience and confidence in children, preparing them for life's challenges both on and off the competitive stage.
