The annual Granties Awards have once again turned the spotlight on Scotland's public sector, paying tribute to what organisers describe as its 'duds', 'placemen', and 'fat cats'. The 2025 ceremony highlighted a litany of perceived failures, from financial greed to staggering incompetence, celebrating the 'contribution to cack-handedness at every level'. With a crowded field of candidates, the awards once again found rich pickings.
Dancing, Destruction, and Lavish Property Deals
The inaugural Strictly Award for best quango dancer went to an unnamed senior leader at Historic Environment Scotland (HES). The win followed reports from a corporate event at Edinburgh Castle where the manager was said to have sat on a guest's knee before performing an impromptu twerking display in front of actor Martin Compston.
Meanwhile, the Richard Nixon Award for transparency was handed to staff at NHS Tayside. They were found to have destroyed around 40 theatre logbooks potentially vital to the inquiry into rogue surgeon Sam Eljamel. This act of destruction occurred despite a formal 'do not destroy' order issued by the Eljamel Inquiry in 2024.
In the property sphere, the new Kevin McCloud Award for best property portfolio was awarded to Jo Farrell, Chief Constable of Police Scotland. She received more than £134,000 of taxpayers' money to assist in purchasing a second home in Edinburgh, while retaining her property in Northumberland. Her deputy, Jane Connors, received an honourable mention for getting over £112,000 in relocation expenses, though she is currently suspended over bullying allegations.
Fat Cats, Creative Arts, and Political Fiction
A fiercely contested category was the Whiskas Award for most shameless fat cat, which went to Scottish Water chief executive Alex Plant. His total remuneration for 2025 exceeded £500,000, including a £295,000 basic salary and pension contributions. This was revealed as water bills for Scots rose by almost 10%, with further hikes of 40% projected over six years.
Civil servants who used taxpayer-funded devices to watch Netflix and access adult websites won the Matheson Award for support of the creative arts. The award is named after former Health Secretary Michael Matheson, who resigned following a scandal over parliamentary iPad roaming charges.
The Walter Mitty Award for services to fiction was claimed by former First Minister Nicola Sturgeon for her memoir, 'Frankly'. Judges highlighted her description of a botched harassment probe that cost over £500,000 as a mere 'procedural error', alongside other factual claims that were later scrutinised. She received a reported £300,000 advance for the book.
Political Performances and Business Advice
Current First Minister John Swinney featured twice. He secured the Best Actor award for repeatedly insisting the SNP had not broken manifesto promises by raising taxes. His earlier attempt at a 'full-on John' rebrand, which included floated plans for wealth taxes, was named the Marketing Triumph of the Year, albeit for its short-lived nature.
Finally, outgoing Deputy First Minister Kate Forbes won the Lord Sugar Award for promoting new business. She earned the gong after advising that small firms could avoid business rates by operating from a 'cupboard', a suggestion dismissed by critics as 'detached from reality'.
The 2025 Granties Awards underscore ongoing public and media scrutiny of Scotland's devolved institutions and public bodies, framing a year's worth of controversies in a satirical, critical light.
