Every child reaches a point of scepticism about Father Christmas. For one eight-year-old boy in England's deep south, that moment arrived in December 1987, leading to an elaborate, and ultimately humiliating, plan to catch the festive visitor in the act.
The Festive Conspiracy
On that particular Christmas Eve, the Cold War was winding down and Michael Fish was likely avoiding meteorological scrutiny. Meanwhile, the young boy and his twin sister were hatching a plot in their shared bedroom. Inspired by his sister's earlier, failed attempt to prove God's existence via a letter to her rabbit, the boy set his sights on a more tangible target: Father Christmas. His mission was one of proof, not persecution, and with his sister's support, he devised a cunning trap.
The centrepiece of his scheme was a robust, battle-tested whoopee cushion. The plan was deceptively simple. He would place it at the very bottom of his Christmas stocking, which was to be hung from the end of his top bunk bed. The theory was flawless: he wouldn't need to strain to stay awake, as the moment the first satsuma or orange dropped into the stocking, it would land on the cushion, producing an unmistakable sound that would jolt him awake. He would then be ready to capture definitive photographic evidence.
A Flawed Plan and a Potty-Mouthed Santa?
His camera of choice was a bright red Fisher-Price View-Master, convinced that Santa's image would magically appear among the slides of global landmarks. Confident in his ruse, he went to sleep. He awoke not to the comedic blast of the whoopee cushion, but to a heavy thunk followed by a swear word he had only heard once before—when his father injured himself with a lawnmower. Was Father Christmas secretly potty-mouthed?
In his sleepy state, he had forgotten the backup trap: a Teddy Ruxpin toy, complete with batteries, balanced precariously atop their bedroom door. Panic set in. He feared being caught awake, which he believed was a direct violation of the unspoken Christmas contract. Visions of receiving no presents, or even having his face melted off in an Indiana Jones-style divine retribution, flashed through his mind. He buried his face in his pillow, his courage evaporated.
The Unsettling Encounter and a Clever Reversal
With eyes tightly shut, he then heard the quiet, unmistakable rustle of a satsuma being deposited into wool. He also detected a faint aroma of Hamlet cigars—the same brand his father smoked. This puzzling detail gave him pause. Once certain the visitor had departed, he finally called out, "He's been!"
His triumph was short-lived. As he climbed down from his bunk, his foot landed squarely on the first step of the ladder and onto the whoopee cushion, which emitted its signature sound. Father Christmas had not only avoided the trap but had reset it for the trap-setter. The joke was firmly on the young investigator.
When he recounted the event to his parents, his mother was oddly furious with Father Christmas for leaving a whoopee cushion in such a dangerous spot. The boy, however, was simply spooked. His close encounter had been more unsettling than triumphant. As his sister fed a segment of satsuma to Teddy Ruxpin, she sagely suggested that from then on, they should cease trying to mess with the 'Other'. The mystery, and the magic, were best left intact.
Mike Wozniak is touring with his new show 'The Bench' from 18 January to 12 November 2026.
