Breaking the Cycle of Pessimism: How to Stop Expecting Friends to Let You Down
A 38-year-old woman with three children and a husband has shared her struggle with a persistent pattern of expecting people to disappoint her. She often makes appointments while anticipating last-minute cancellations, leading her to adopt a victim role in her own narrative. This mindset manifests in downplaying invitations, saying things like, "Oh, it's nothing fun" or "Don't worry if you can't come," despite knowing she would enjoy the event. She expresses a desire to move beyond this preemptive pessimism and cultivate compassion for herself and others.
Insight from a Psychoanalytic Psychotherapist
Psychoanalytic psychotherapist Susanna Abse praised the woman's self-awareness, noting that such insight is rare and represents half the work of therapy. Abse highlighted that functioning friendships require confidence and a sense of safety, without which emotional intimacy and effective communication suffer. She suggested that this pattern likely stems from childhood experiences, where repeated disappointments from parents or siblings can lead to a belief that being let down is inevitable or deserved.
Abse explained: "We all have narratives and scripts in our heads about the nature of relationships, and generally they are shaped by childhood experiences. So I'm wondering if perhaps you experienced traumatic moments of being let down? This is hard enough in adulthood, but in childhood if the people you depend on most let you down repeatedly you are likely to develop a belief that it's going to happen again."
The Role of Pessimism as Self-Protection
Abse further elaborated that adopting a victim position can serve as a defence mechanism, using pessimism to protect against potential hurt. "Being hopeful and expectant that good things will come our way, that people will like and love us, means that if we are let down there's further to fall. So adopting the victim position, before you find yourself actually becoming a victim, kind of protects you," she said. This approach allows individuals to feel in control and avoid surprises that might trigger unresolved childhood feelings.
Practical Steps for Change
To address this ingrained pattern, Abse recommended reflecting on its origins with self-compassion. She advised considering times when the individual may have let others down, not to induce guilt but to gain perspective on life's inevitable challenges and plan changes. Additionally, she cautioned against self-sabotage, such as undermining invitations, and instead encouraged confident communication. For example, saying "I'd love to see you" without qualifiers can foster more positive interactions.
The response also included a personal anecdote where a friend misremembered cancellations, illustrating how internal narratives can distort reality. This underscores the importance of challenging these learned scripts and embracing a more balanced view of relationships.
This advice is part of a weekly column by Annalisa Barbieri, who addresses personal problems submitted by readers. Submissions are accepted via email, with terms and conditions applying, and comments are pre-moderated to maintain focus on the topics discussed.
