The End of Gentle Parenting: Experts Call for Return to 'No'
As British schools face unprecedented levels of parental complaints regarding disciplinary measures, a growing chorus of education specialists and psychologists is pointing the finger at modern parenting trends. With over five million formal complaints lodged against schools during the 2024 to 2025 academic year, according to the National Governance Association, a fundamental clash between home and classroom expectations is being exposed.
The 'Parent Gap' and the Disappearing 'No'
Tom Bennett, the UK Department for Education's ambassador for attendance and behaviour, identifies a critical "parent gap" as a primary driver of the conflict. He contends that a generation of parents, influenced by gentle parenting philosophies, has become reluctant to set firm boundaries, leaving children ill-prepared for school structures.
"Many parents think that if you just speak nicely to children, they'll behave," Bennett told The Sunday Times. "But teachers are now teaching cohorts from low-boundary environments where children believe they are the most important person in the room." He argues that parents and schools have "moved in opposite directions," forcing educational institutions to build behavioural curricula "from the ground up."
From Gentle Parenting to 'Fafo'
The gentle parenting movement, which emerged roughly a decade ago, emphasises empathy, emotional validation, and connection over traditional discipline. It aimed to move away from authoritarian models by focusing on a child's feelings and avoiding punitive measures like yelling.
However, a significant backlash is now materialising. A contrasting style dubbed "Fafo" (F*** Around and Find Out), which stresses natural consequences over endless explanation, is gaining traction. This shift highlights growing concerns that gentle parenting, in practice, has veered into permissiveness.
The data underscores a serious behavioural decline. Suspensions in a single term at UK primary schools now exceed the total for an entire school year a decade ago, signalling a tangible crisis within classrooms.
Academic Backing for Authoritative Change
Professor Ellie Lee, director of the Centre for Parenting Culture Studies at the University of Kent, advocates outright rejection of gentle parenting to address "undoubted" behavioural deterioration. "We need adult solidarity around a common goal of bringing up children – and one that is authoritative," she states, noting a collapse in parental authority.
She argues that authority has been wrongly conflated with authoritarianism, leading parents to label school discipline as "fascist." "Authority and discipline are good for children because it teaches them boundaries and self-discipline," Professor Lee explains. "Parents should be thanking schools for telling their child off, not taking it personally."
American child psychologist Leonard Sax, author of "The Collapse of Parenting," echoes this, stressing the necessity of a parent-teacher alliance. "If teachers know parents will not support them, and will be actively hostile, teachers will be reluctant to assert their authority. The result, often, is chaos," he warns.
Inside the Gentle Parenting Debate
Parenting expert Anita Cleare acknowledges gentle parenting began as a helpful shift toward emotional development but argues it has become "profoundly disempowering" by overly centralising children's feelings. "Parents are told that imposing a consequence is innately cruel or damaging, despite decades of research showing logical consequences are effective," she notes.
She promotes "positive parenting," which retains a focus on relationship and emotions but firmly incorporates boundary-setting as essential for development.
Conversely, Sarah Ockwell-Smith, author of "The Gentle Parenting Book," defends the approach, stating gentle parents "absolutely do say 'no'" and use logical consequences. She attributes behavioural issues to systemic failures: underfunded, overcrowded schools, a SEND crisis, overworked teachers, and the pressures of the cost-of-living and post-pandemic landscape.
"The real culprit is political," Ockwell-Smith asserts. "Neoliberalism puts parents and teachers against each other. Gentle parenting is lazily blamed, but nobody considers the real issues."
As the debate intensifies, the core conflict remains: whether the solution to classroom disruption lies in a societal return to firmer parental authority or in addressing profound systemic failures within the education system itself.
