Author's Husband Allegedly Framed Open Marriage Refusal as Racist Before Infidelity
In a startling revelation from her new memoir, author and activist Lindy West details how her husband, musician Ahamefule Oluo, allegedly implied it would be racist for her to refuse his request for an open marriage before ultimately cheating on her with a "wild" blonde woman. The 44-year-old white writer describes profound heartbreak upon discovering her 43-year-old black husband's unfaithfulness, despite initially agreeing to a polyamorous arrangement under significant pressure.
The Colonialism Argument and Reluctant Agreement
West recounts in Adult Braces how Oluo first broached the subject of polyamory following a temporary breakup in 2011. According to her account, Oluo presented monogamy as fundamentally "a system of ownership" rooted in colonialist structures. "He believed that monogamy was, at its root, a system of ownership. I had to admit that perhaps I didn't feel it as keenly, as a white person," West writes, describing how this framing placed her in an impossible position between losing her partner or accepting relationship terms that felt unnatural to her.
The self-described progressive activist found herself at what she calls "this crossroads: spend the rest of my life without Aham (impossible), or agree to a polyamorous relationship (also impossible)." Despite her reservations, West reluctantly agreed to open their marriage with specific boundaries established, including that Oluo would only date strangers to minimize emotional complications.
Broken Agreements and Secret Affairs
According to West's narrative, the carefully negotiated agreement was shattered when Oluo allegedly began seeing someone known to the couple while touring. "She lived in our neighborhood. She was tall and thin and blond and fun and wild and she people that we knew," writes West, a prominent body positivity activist. "She was the exact woman your husband leaves you for when you look like me."
West describes the period of this entanglement as "the worst months of my life," marked by significant emotional distress. However, this blonde neighbor was not Oluo's only extramarital involvement. In 2019, he secretly began seeing Roya Amirsoleymani, with whom he remains involved today alongside his wife.
Evolution into a Throuple Arrangement
Initially devastated by this second relationship, West has since come to terms with the unconventional dynamic. All three now live together in their Washington state home as a throuple, though West admits she kept the nature of their relationship mostly private, sharing details only with select friends while attempting to present it as "cool."
In her book, West acknowledges her initial resistance to polyamory while recognizing its growing popularity within progressive circles. "I'm not politically conservative, but I am reserved. I like tradition, rituals, patterns, feeling like a stitch in a great weave of grandparents and great-grandparents," she explains, adding that "being cool about polyamory felt like a growing imperative in progressive circles. It made me defensive, particularly coming from thin people."
Unconventional Domestic Bliss
The memoir's narrative centers around a months-long trip West took from Seattle to Key West, Florida, and back after discovering Oluo's relationship with Amirsoleymani. West describes to The New York Times her first intimate experience with both partners, calling a threesome "really fun and hot" and noting how Amirsoleymani "fell asleep in my arms and we slept the whole night."
West, who rose to prominence with her 2016 book Shrill: Notes from a Loud Woman (later adapted into a Hulu series), addresses critics who question her happiness in this arrangement. "Some people say that I'm delusional, that I couldn't possibly be happy with two partners," she writes. "They lose their minds when confronted with the idea of nonmonogamy, and I am sympathetic. I used to share their lost mind."
Ultimately, West concludes her memoir with the three living together in what she describes as domestic bliss, despite the unconventional path that led there. "I don't know how a three-person marriage works! It just does! This wasn't my plan," she reflects, capturing the complex journey from pressured agreement through betrayal to unexpected acceptance.
