Camilla Foster Thursday 19 February 2026 18:50 GMT
Parenting Expert Delivers Verdict on Whether Grandparents Can Afford to Spoil Their Grandchildren
The instinct to shower grandchildren with gifts and treats typically originates from a profound place of love and excitement, yet the enduring consequences of such indulgence demand careful examination. Annabelle Hird, a BACP-registered counsellor and distinguished member of the Counselling Directory who specialises in supporting parents and carers, has thoroughly investigated why excessive spoiling can become problematic, providing families with practical guidance to navigate these delicate dynamics sensitively.
Why Do Many Grandparents Feel Compelled to Spoil Their Grandchildren?
Hird articulated: "Numerous individuals perceive grandparenthood as an opportunity to 'redo' parenting, potentially compensating for aspects they regret from their initial parenting experience. Simultaneously, there exists a genuine yearning to cultivate meaningful relationships with their grandchildren, and many grandparents believe they must exert considerable effort to secure that bond. Due to evolving family dynamics, grandparents might occasionally feel excluded from aspects of their own child's life. Furthermore, competition with other grandparents can also significantly influence this behaviour."
Societal Pressure and the Grandparent Stereotype
When questioned about societal expectations, Hird reflected: "I certainly believe a pervasive trope exists where grandparents are viewed as the source of all forbidden treats and leniency. This narrative is frequently perpetuated through media and generational storytelling, shaping our expectations. However, this can prove remarkably damaging as it establishes unrealistic and potentially harmful standards for intergenerational relationships."
When Does Spoiling Become Genuinely Problematic?
Hird emphasised a critical developmental principle: "Children absorb information like sponges, learning about themselves and their environment through interactions with trusted adults—parents, teachers, and grandparents included. Consequently, when a grandparent expresses affection, they are implicitly teaching the child how to give and receive love, shaping their understanding of being cherished."
This becomes particularly problematic if children begin to equate material gifts with love. Hird explained: "If a grandparent consistently demonstrates affection through purchased gifts or by permitting rule-breaking, the child learns that love is conditional upon receiving presents or enjoying special exemptions. This lesson can have lasting psychological effects. Similarly, encouraging grandchildren to keep secrets about treats or rule-bending from parents can establish dangerous precedents regarding secrecy and trust."
Creating Friction with Parents and Confusing Children
Spoiling grandchildren frequently becomes a substantial source of tension, potentially damaging relationships with parents. Hird clarified: "When children receive conflicting behavioural guidance from different trusted adults, it generates profound confusion. They may feel pressured to choose sides, worrying about disappointing either their grandparents or parents. We must avoid placing children in such difficult positions from an early age. Grandparents must carefully consider whether their actions undermine their own child's parental authority, values, and beliefs regarding child-rearing."
Strategies for Productive Family Conversations About Boundaries
Eliminate Judgment and Establish Clear Boundaries
Hird recommends: "Minimise judgment during these discussions. Parents should explain the reasoning behind their decisions without criticising how grandparents were raised, emphasising their desire for grandparents to participate positively in the child's life."
Adopt Curiosity and Pose Questions
Hird advises: "Instead of assuming what support looks like, grandparents should respectfully inquire. For example, asking, 'I would love to give this treat—would that be acceptable to you?' demonstrates consideration for parental boundaries."
Gradually Reinstate Boundaries
Hird suggests: "With younger grandchildren, ensure they don't feel punished if spoiling patterns change. Re-establishing boundaries should be a gradual, patient process, as relationship adjustments cannot be resolved instantly."
Prioritise Time and Attention Over Material Gifts
Hird concludes: "Time and undivided attention represent the most valuable gifts. Creating a safe environment filled with unconditional love, enthusiasm, and genuine interest helps children feel valued as individuals. This approach fosters healthy relationship expectations and supports long-term emotional wellbeing far more effectively than material indulgence."
