The Modern Burden of Extended Parental Care: A New Phenomenon
It is a common human theme that good parents can never truly rest due to constant worry about their children. However, a reciprocal burden exists for good children, as noted by author Lucinda Holdforth. This burden has become increasingly heavy in modern times, shaped by advances in medical science and public health.
The Longevity Narrative: Progress or Condemnation?
Viewed one way, the modern longevity narrative is an inspirational story of human scientific and social progress. Looked at another, it could be said that we are now condemned to longevity—our own and that of others. This places a massive economic, social, and psychological burden on individuals and society as a whole.
With so many older people today, new demographic categories have emerged to describe them. Those considered the "young old" are aged between 55 and 65. At 63 years old, Holdforth identifies as a young old, noting that by historical standards, she should have been dead for years. Instead, she faces the prospect of planning for another 20 years of life, which she does not necessarily see as glorious.
Sometimes, she imagines herself as an ancient crone at family reunions, wearing garish makeup and outdated scarves, boring multiple younger generations with repetitive stories. Yet, this scenario is overly optimistic, as it assumes she will remain mobile and talkative. In reality, people can be kept alive for many years in states of severe infirmity, a fate she hopes to avoid.
The Heavy Toll on Caregivers, Especially Women
For those in or near retirement, advances in medical science mean better education and tools to protect health. However, medical interventions can still prolong life in poor health, creating challenges not only for the individuals enduring it but also for their caregivers.
This unfolds in domestic tragedies where children of long-lived elders shoulder emotional and physical burdens, curtailing their own lives and dreams. They juggle duties to parents with jobs, spouses, and children, accruing scars from sad, stressful, and sometimes horrific experiences.
Mostly, women bear this caring burden. As Atul Gawande writes in Being Mortal, having at least one daughter is crucial for receiving help in old age. Haider Warraich supports this in Modern Death, noting that the overwhelming majority of caregivers are female, with 85% related to the patient.
Holdforth observes many mature women who feel unable to travel, move, or even slow down due to prolonged duties to parents. Some subconsciously wait for their parents to die before making life changes, such as coming out, quitting jobs, getting divorced, or dyeing their hair pink. Their parents' deaths become a prerequisite for their own full lives.
A New Phenomenon: Historical vs. Modern Care
Holdforth emphasizes that this level of care is a new phenomenon. People often mistakenly believe their mothers and grandmothers provided similar care for declining parents over many years. In the past, older people tended to be well until they fell ill, then either recovered or died quickly, enduring a relatively brief decline.
For example, Holdforth's maternal grandmother ran a farm until falling ill in her early 70s, dying three weeks after surgery. Her paternal grandfather, a pipe smoker and war survivor, "dropped dead" of a heart attack. There was no evidence of guilt or self-torture, just pragmatic acceptance of life and death.
In contrast, Holdforth's father, Michael, worked as a butcher until 70 and faced numerous health issues in his later years, including cancer, strokes, and infections. His personality changed, and his final years were traumatic for the family. Holdforth admits feeling relieved when he died, acknowledging the difficulty of his decline.
Her mother, who died in 2022, was calm and ready, at peace. However, she hated feeling dependent, even in a good aged care facility, needing her children as interpreters, advocates, and companions. Those in aged care without close champions are more vulnerable and lonely.
The Reciprocal Burden and Liberation
Holdforth reflects that while parents never rest from worrying about children, a reciprocal burden exists for good children. They are never entirely free from the psychic weight of their parents' needs, love, and ambitions, and increasingly take on guardian-style responsibilities during prolonged old age.
About a year after her mother died, at age 59, Holdforth finally felt the accumulated heaviness lift. She became an orphan, able to turn off her phone each night and wake with a complete feeling of creative liberty and personhood. This freedom allowed her to write about her experiences and understand how hard it is for children to realize parental hopes without suppressing their own.
This is an edited extract from Going On and On: Why longevity threatens our future by Lucinda Holdforth, published by Simon & Schuster, out on 31 March 2026.
