A health visitor has revealed that she refuses to force her children to apologise, even when they have hit someone — and she's urging other parents to follow suit. Knowing how to respond when your child has hurt another person, whether through hitting, biting or hurtful words, can be genuinely challenging.
The Problem with Forced Apologies
Many parents instinctively demand their child says sorry to whoever they've hurt before allowing them to return to their activities, be it playing, reading or watching TV. However, a health visitor named Ruth has openly admitted she doesn't make her children apologise on command, as she believes children gain very little from simply saying the word alone.
The Three-Step Method
The healthcare professional, who regularly shares parenting advice on TikTok under the username @aheathvisitor, outlined the three-step method she has taught her own children when they hurt someone.
Ruth said: "Your child hits another child, do you ever react like this? 'Say sorry, say sorry'. 'You're not going to play until you say sorry'. Yes, children want to hear the word sorry, in society we like to hear the word sorry. But saying sorry and then going off to play, it doesn't teach them anything, they just learn I can say sorry and it's fine."
The Script
"So here is my top tip on how we teach our child to say sorry, how to really mean it and how to make the situation better. Three simple things I have drummed into my children, it is a script. I'm sorry I hit you, are you okay? What will make it better? If they won't say it, you say it for them. I am really sorry that Henry hit you, are you okay? Give them the opportunity to tell the person that they've been upset and hurt. 99% of the time children say no, I'm not okay."
"What will make it better? I've wronged here, what can I do to make the situation better? Yes, your child's not going to understand that process yet, but you are teaching them. You've messed up, we say sorry and we ask how we can make the situation better for that person. And again, usually the child says I want a mummy cuddle or whatever."
"They feel heard, they feel validated and you've taught your children that you've messed up and you take responsibility and it starts now. Even if it was an accident, we still say I'm sorry, are you okay? What will make it better? And you can do it as an adult too. I say it to my children to help make situations better. If I've shouted or done something I shouldn't have done."
Parent Reactions
Fellow parents have commented on the video to reveal they'd been implementing the approach since she first shared it, reporting impressive outcomes.
One person said: "Yes going through this right now with my three year old, he will do something naughty like hit his little brother and then just kneejerk shout 'sorry!' As soon as he's done it because he's just associating sorry with something he should say, not why he's saying it." A second commented: "I cannot ABIDE when people insist on some form of physical contact as an apology. So much no!"
A third added: "I've been using this since you posted before, works great for my son. HOWEVER I've noticed if he is on the opposite side of it and someone hasn't been kind to him and hasn't said sorry he really struggles and gets so sad."
