Did your heart break a little when you read Kylie Minogue's comments about Michael Hutchence over the weekend? Promoting her Netflix documentary, Kylie admits Michael was the love of her life even though they were together for under three years – and he dumped her and left her devastated.
"Sex, love, food, drugs, music, travel, books, you name it, he wanted to experience it... as his partner I got to experience a lot of that as well," Kylie said about their relationship. "I've probably been looking for something like that ever since and I haven't got it."
Sadly, Kylie isn't the only one who is yet to find a partner who matches up to a charismatic ex. I've counselled many people – men and women – who have spent their lives searching for a replica of a love they lost and never forgot. Here's how I got them to move on – and you can too.
Reality Checks
First, a few reality checks. Here's the first: They aren't coming back. If the door hasn't even slammed yet, maybe. But if they've been out of your life for anything over a month, you can safely assume I'm speaking the truth. Lots of you will already have accepted that – which surprised me. I assumed one reason why people don't move on from exes is because they still harbour hope. Not so.
If your partner dies, you know they aren't coming back. If they've gone on to marry and have children with someone else, you've got to be pretty delusional to think there's still a chance. So, while this is the first step to moving on for some, it's not for others. It's how that person made you feel that has you in mourning decades later.
Don't Mourn, Celebrate How Lucky You Were
While there is a chance you won't ever find another love as extraordinary as the one you had – at least you had one! A lot of people move through life having so-so relationships with bland, interchangeable partners. (Not to mention the awful toxic relationships other people find themselves in.) Shift your focus. Be grateful. Relive the glorious moments and how lucky you were to have experienced what you did. It's fine to talk or think longingly about what you had. What's not fine is to obsess about it.
Focus on the Flaws and Stop Idealising
No matter how amazing your relationship with this person was, there were flaws. The flaws disappear over time because our brain enjoys reliving happy memories, not bad ones. Recent research also shows the more often we replay a memory in our heads, the more it rewrites the 'real' memory of the experience. You remember the time you stayed in bed and hid away from the world for a week; having sex, laughing, talking and never wanting to go back into real life. The original memory included worrying the hell out of your friends and family and almost losing your job because of it. That part gets buried because the retelling overwrites that bit. Dig it up. Get a notebook or open a new folder on your phone called 'The bad things'. Then force yourself to make a list of the flaws of the person and the relationship. Once your brain starts focusing on negatives, it will start to throw even more up. The most loveable people still have sides of themselves that aren't so pretty. Having this list is a solid reminder that things weren't always perfect.
Big Loves Are Often Unworkable Long-Term
'Big' relationships – the ones that delight and derail us – tend to be high on intensity but low on practicality. Ask most people what the love of their life was like and certain words frequently pop up: charismatic, intense, they loved life and knew how to live it. The reason you aren't still with that person is often because their fabulousness wasn't balanced with 'boring' qualities like reliability, being sensible, appreciating that life isn't all about play. In the scenario above, you were probably the one who insisted you do both go out and face the world again. Living in the moment is amazing – it's what makes these relationships so enjoyable and memorable. Problem is, you have to forward plan at some point, or it all tends to end in a big old mess. One person in the relationship eventually needs to put a sensible hat on to balance the hedonistic side of the other – and that's often when they leave. Reality isn't half as much fun, so they're off looking for the next person to play with who doesn't make demands (like ask for a contribution to the rent). Michael Hutchence left Kylie for Helena Christensen. "He was the first in so many ways and one of those firsts was heartbreak. I was devastated," she says of the split. Michael then dumped Helena for Paula Yates. If he was as upset as Kylie was after their relationship ended, he did a good job of hiding it.
But What If My Big Love Wasn't a Big Personality?
Some of you will be reading this and thinking, 'Hold on a minute – none of this holds true for the love of my life'. Sometimes, this is the case. The love of your life might have been someone quiet, unassuming and positively 'normal' in every way. You just clicked and loved each other and now it's over. They died or one of you did something stupid that ruined the best thing both of you ever had. That also happens – but the rules of moving on and finding happiness again remain the same.
Stop Trying to Replace the Irreplaceable
Put this person – whoever they were – in this category: 'The big love of my life that got away'. There. That's what they were and where they will stay. A more helpful question now is: 'What relationship would make me happy now?'. 'Another Peter' isn't an option. There is only one and he's gone. Human beings are individuals, you can't replace them. But a new relationship that makes you happy IS possible. I love a list – they work far more effectively than people give them credit for. They focus your mind and can be reread to keep you focused. Here's another to make: What are the things that you most enjoyed in that relationship (and others)? These are your must haves: things like sense of humour, intelligence, kindness. Think personality traits not bank balance, looks, height and what car they drive.
Find the Vital Ingredient
Be brutally honest when you answer this: what was it about the love of your life that really hooked you in? What separated them from the rest? (Saying 'everything' isn't helpful or true.) Was it the great sex? The way they looked? The way they made you feel (desired, clever, inspired, supported, believed, loved)? What you did together? The lifestyle you led? The better you can isolate the magic ingredient, the more chance you have of finding that again. People aren't replaceable but feelings are. Don't look for a person, look for the thing that made that relationship so significant for you. If great sex was it, then sex appeal and sex skills should be high on your list for your next partner. If it was looks, appearance and chemistry are clearly very important to you. Admit that and don't try to make relationships work with people you don't find attractive. I've never met a person yet who can't narrow a great love down to one specific kind of 'specialness'. This is your ticket to future happiness. You will never find someone who is a carbon copy of the person you lost. But you might well find someone who ticks the most important box of all and when that happens, all the rest seems unimportant.
