A seasoned divorce lawyer has highlighted the phenomenon of 'silent divorce' and the crucial red flag that signals a relationship is in trouble: when couples stop arguing altogether.
The Quiet Quitting of Relationships
Gabriella Pomare, who has spent more than ten years practicing family law, observes that many couples experience what she calls 'quiet quitting' or 'silent divorce'. This occurs when partners live together but are emotionally disconnected, often sitting side by side on the couch, one scrolling through a phone while the other watches Netflix, with no meaningful communication. In their minds, they may already be separated, but they remain together due to children, bills, and mortgages, finding it too difficult, expensive, or frightening to actually separate.
Staying Together for the Kids: A Misguided Approach
Pomare challenges the common notion that couples should stay together for the sake of their children. She argues that children suffer more in a household where parents are not genuinely together, as they miss out on seeing love and connection, and grow up with a distorted view of family and relationships. While she does not advocate for separation or divorce as a universal solution, she believes it is important to understand why relationships break down.
The Unequal Division of Labour
Having been married herself, Pomare gained a deeper understanding of the dynamics her clients describe, particularly regarding the division of labour at home. The juggle between work, childcare, and household chores – though seemingly small – are significant factors in family law. She notes that the imbalance in understanding the mental load, especially when it falls predominantly on the mother, causes the greatest strain. When one partner, usually the mother, bears the brunt of responsibilities without recognition, the relationship begins to break.
The Wake-Up Call and the Grieving Process
Often, relationship breakdown stems from a gradual disconnect rather than a single catastrophic event. Pomare explains that there is usually a 'gotcha' moment that triggers the end. By the time couples separate, one partner is often blindsided, while the other has been planning for years. This shock leads to delays in proceedings, as the surprised partner struggles to cope and grieves, while the other wants to move on quickly. Pomare emphasises that people need time to heal and grieve before they can see clearly, which might prevent many protracted disputes over minor parenting issues.
The Biggest Red Flag: No More Arguments
One of the most telling signs of a failing relationship, according to Pomare, is when partners no longer seek to argue. Many experts agree that conflict indicates caring, but when arguments cease, it signals a lack of investment. Communication is key; she advises couples to have regular check-ins, asking about each other's day and feelings. After her own divorce and re-partnering, she schedules date nights without kids or stress, with rules like not discussing work. Early discussions about values, morals, and life goals are crucial to avoid surprises down the line.
Gabriella Pomare is a family lawyer and hosts the podcast 'Before it Breaks'.
