The Psychology of Changing Minds: Why Our Brains Resist and How to Overcome
How do you argue with family in a productive way? How can you ensure your belief system serves you properly? Psychologists reveal that our brains are wired to prevent us from changing our minds, but we can learn to do it anyway through understanding and compassion.
Why Changing Your Mind Feels Like an Attack
When Daryl van Tongeren's brother died unexpectedly at 34, his lifelong Christian faith was shaken. Raised to believe in a moral logic where good things happen to good people, he questioned why God would allow such a loss. As a psychology professor specializing in belief change, van Tongeren was uniquely positioned to navigate this crisis, yet it took years to find peace.
Professor Keith Bellizzi explains that changing minds is extremely difficult not due to stubbornness, but because biological, psychological, and social mechanisms protect our identity. When core beliefs like "I'm a good parent" or "I'm smart" are challenged, the brain reacts as if under physical attack, activating the same regions used during danger. To avoid worldview collapse, we make exceptions rather than overhaul beliefs. For example, a racist meeting a friendly Latino neighbor might think "my friend isn't like the rest" instead of rejecting racism entirely.
This protective wiring prevents confusion and helps us fit into cultural groups, but it can also hinder growth. Changing your mind is often confusing and frightening, not enlightening, as the brain resists persuasion and digs in heels when faced with challenging facts. Shaming or educating often backfires, especially in today's polarized political climate.
How Beliefs Form and Harden
Bellizzi notes that creating conditions for mind change is tough, particularly in politics where discourse is emotional and divisive. Psychological safety is key. Van Tongeren adds that we form opinions by assuming our experiences are objectively normal, influenced by respected figures like parents or ideological leaders. Positive social reinforcement creates feedback loops, and commitment to groups like political parties can lead to adopting stances from leaders.
Personality traits play a role: research shows less openness to new experiences correlates with conservatism, while agreeableness affects willingness to change minds. Less agreeable types may resist groupthink, as seen in political upsets like John McCain's Obamacare vote or Marjorie Taylor Greene's departure from Trump. Agreeable people develop mental frameworks or schemas resistant to change, making sub-schemas for exceptions.
Bellizzi emphasizes that beliefs become part of identity, reinforced by confirmation bias—seeking information that confirms existing views. Politicians exploit this by framing arguments around identities like "patriots" or "allies," collapsing beliefs into stereotypes. This entrenches divisions as each side confirms negative views of the other.
When Change Happens: Lessons from Cults and Compassion
Bellizzi compares political polarization to cult dynamics, where social pressure and isolation reinforce beliefs. Yet people do leave cults when "doubt opens the door and safe, compassionate connection pulls them through." Most encounter challenging information, but paying attention requires a supportive environment where identity isn't threatened.
Radical belief changes rarely happen instantly; instead, a drip-drip-drip of troubling moments collides with core beliefs. For instance, a feminist in a cult with a predatory leader might disengage, or a traditionalist shaken by Epstein files revelations. Nicki Clyne's exit from the NXIVM cult took years, driven by 30 controversies from false claims to financial losses.
To foster change, Bellizzi advises presenting new facts without judgment, respecting the person while connecting to their core beliefs. Van Tongeren stresses empathy: emotionally attuning to others and validating their perspectives. Diversifying friendships and media consumption, treating others as operating in good faith, and asking "How might I be wrong?" can broaden perspectives.
Building Humility and Trust
Van Tongeren studies humility, noting people often think others need it more. Practicing humility ourselves, even if unreciprocated, is crucial. We conflate worth with being right, ignoring that everyone is somewhat wrong. Acknowledging bias is a lifelong mental feat.
Trust can bridge divides. In experiments, right- and left-leaning pairs worked together on trivia, realizing they could learn from each other. Bellizzi focuses on common ground with politically opposed family, listening without judgment and encouraging self-questioning. Discussing growth versus fixed mindsets—being open to new ideas—can make it safe to question beliefs.
Bellizzi's resilience research, informed by surviving multiple cancers, shows optimism that individuals and societies can overcome challenges. He believes political divisions will pass with time and cracks in belief systems.
Embracing Uncertainty
After his brother's death, van Tongeren learned to live with uncertainty, saying "I don't know" to unanswerable questions. This shift took a decade, bringing authenticity despite being uncomfortable. In politics, such humility is often mocked as weakness, but without it, beliefs stagnate.
Bellizzi sees opportunities when respected figures break from groups, creating cracks for friends or family to help process change. While challenging, he remains hopeful that with compassion and time, minds can open.
