It is a rite of passage that has left countless individuals weeping into a tub of ice cream, but being 'dumped' should be referred to with different terminology, according to a mental health expert. Hilary Jacobs Hendel, a psychotherapist and author, contends that the word imposes a 'layer of shame to an already painful loss,' advocating for more thoughtful and respectful language when discussing relationship breakdowns.
The Problem with 'Dumped'
In a blog post published on Psychology Today, Ms Hendel expressed her disdain for the phrase, stating, 'Every time I hear it, I wince. I hate that phrase!' She explained that what might have been a painful but human ending becomes loaded with humiliation when labeled as 'dumped.' At a moment when someone is already vulnerable, the language itself becomes another injury, she argued.
'People in pain deserve language that supports dignity, compassion, and healing – not language that makes them feel even more discarded,' Ms Hendel warned. The definition from the Merriam–Webster dictionary, which describes it as 'to get rid of something or someone in an abrupt and often casual or careless way,' reinforces this negative connotation.
Impact on Emotional Well-being
Ms Hendel emphasized that losing someone we love or hoped to build a life with naturally brings up grief, anger, fear, and even anguish and hopelessness. 'That is hard enough. But the word "dumped" makes it worse,' she said. It suggests a person was 'thrown away,' discarded and devalued, like rubbish, which can exacerbate feelings of shame.
She noted that feelings of sadness, anger, and fear should be validated and supported during breakups. However, for many people, these emotions get stuck behind shame. 'Instead of feeling the grief and moving through it, people start thinking: "What's wrong with me? Why wasn't I enough? I'm disposable,"' Ms Hendel explained.
Alternative Phrases to Use
So, what should we say instead? Ms Hendel suggests using more accurate and respectful phrases such as 'They broke up,' 'He ended the relationship,' or 'She left.' These alternatives do not pile degradation on top of heartbreak, she argued, and they help maintain dignity during a difficult time.
Scientific Insights into Relationship Endings
Scientists have previously discovered that there is a 'point of no return' in relationships, where no matter how much either party tries, it is destined to fail. Researchers from Johannes Gutenberg University Mainz in Germany found this unstoppable breakup point occurs anywhere from seven to 28 months before one partner calls it quits.
The team identified two specific phases of a failing relationship: a gradual decline in satisfaction and the 'transition point' – where nothing will prevent the breakup. Even worse, the partner who ends the relationship hits this 'terminal decline' phase about a year before the partner who gets left, leading to a faster spiral in relationship satisfaction for the latter.
Although breakups can often seem sudden, the researchers noted that they do not happen overnight; partners go through multiple phases when together.
When to End a Relationship
Kale Monk, an assistant professor of human development and family science at the University of Missouri, highlights that on-off relationships are associated with higher rates of abuse, poorer communication, and lower levels of commitment. He offers five tips to determine if it is the right time to end a relationship:
- Consider the reasons for past breakups to identify consistent or persistent issues impacting the relationship.
- Have explicit conversations about issues that led to breakups, especially if they are likely to reoccur, but seek support-services if safety is a concern.
- Reflect on reasons for reconciliation, ensuring they are rooted in commitment and positive feelings rather than obligations or convenience.
- Remember that it is okay to end a toxic relationship for your mental or physical well-being.
- Consider couples therapy or relationship counselling, even for happy couples, to strengthen connections and navigate transitions.
By adopting more compassionate language and understanding the dynamics of relationship endings, individuals can better support themselves and others through these challenging experiences.
